Drunkboat

This has got to be one of the most boring and irrelevant movie I ever sat through. At least it felt irrelevant. It's like they literally tried to put the audiences to sleep. It has John Malkovich and John Goodman so it's probably at least a decent movie right? Wrong. That doesn't mean crap. It has really boring conversations that tries to be touching but just want to shut off. If this is a coming of age movie than it did a very poor job of it. The movie has this really old porno cinematography going for it as well. Maybe it's to add to the effect of the movie but it made the flick tiresome. There are better movie for sure, this movie is a waste of time.

1/10

Abe (Jacob Zachar) wants to sail on a boat to a fantasy island and beyond. His mother Eileen (Dana Delany) is wary of her brother drunk Mort (John Malkovich). Mr. Fletcher (John Goodman) has a trashed boat that he hopes to unload on some unsuspecting fool. Fletcher scrams naive Abe to buy the boat but they need an adult to do the deal. That's where his unsuspecting alcoholic uncle Mort comes in.

This is completely lifeless. Bob Meyer is the writer and director. He doesn't seem to have done anything other than act in a few french movies. The big mystery is how such an unknown got so many great actors to be in his film. That mystery is infinitely more interesting than watching this movie. This has no energy and no power. The dialog is lifeless and so are the performances. Jacob Zachar is very annoyingly over confident. If he was some cute young kid, his character might actually work. John Goodman almost gives something but it's drowned out by this meandering badly directed indie.

Probably the most insignificant film I've seen in living memory. It's a patch of grass, a black sky at night, Tony Blair's obnoxious smile. It's just 'there'.

Here's the plot in a nutshell: A woman's drunken uncle (played by John Malkovich) turns up one day. Her son and his friend plan to get him to co-sign on a boat they plan to buy from a corrupt dealer, since their mother won't allow it. That's that. Oh, of course we have many 'meaningful' chats along the way about the alcoholic uncle's childhood, a bit of comic relief as John Goodman hams it up as the nasty boat seller, and a lovely ending where, despite all the weirdness surrounding them, everyone gets together for a GROUP HUG.

It just... doesn't amount to anything. In fact, as I sit here typing this now, I am struggling to recall a single moment. It is literally, vapour. I don't hate it, since it held my attention. I just feel like there are better ways to spend your time. Maybe, on something a bit more energetic. Like an episode of Heartbeat. 5/10

Sunk without a trace, as this quirky little film obviously did, what with good, respected and serious actors John Malkovich and John Goodman aboard (enough of the puns....)

I caught it on Sky Movies premier, partly as I thought it might be a serious drama concerning alcoholism. It isn't but has comedic, jaunty music and amateurish, unconnected fantasy sequences that left me in a constant state of confusion.

If one knew the source material (if you actually wanted to) then that might help and whilst Malkovich and Goodman kept it watchable, everything else is a distracting, mawkish blur that makes no sense. The only two user reviews I could find (on IMDb) were obviously fans and so loved it but I wanted an unbiased opinion. It wasn't a total waste of time, with some very good acting, especially from the alcoholic Malkovic, but I couldn't help feel that my time would have been better spent doing something else, or at least, purposeful, like the washing up!

I guess that the actual narrative (what there is of one) isn't going to be what attracts you, here, so I'm not going to hurt my brain any further by racking it and trying to write it down. Apologies if that disappoints anyone. It was director Bob Meyer's first and only attempt as writer/director of a movie and it badly shows.

If you want to rent or buy the German release of this, be aware that the movie is only rated "6+" and not "16+" as the cover suggests. Now why does it say so? Because the disc has trailers on it that are rated "16+", which makes the Disc itself rated that way too. Now that that is out of the way let's get to the movie.

It's as you might and should expect a very slow drama. The first ten minutes (and the rest that follows of course) will prove that to you. But it's not like this will be a waste of time. Especially if you like your movies slow like that. There are values to be found here and there is redemption that may or may not come. It's about human downfall and deception. And it has two great actors playing lead roles. It does suffer a bit from its own pace towards the end, where it could have picked up the pace a little, but other than that, this is solid