Elf Bowling the Movie: The Great North Pole Elf Strike

I never heard of the elf bowling games until like last year, and I came from the 90s. The game clearly looks ridiculous and like nothing really happens, but it also looked kind of funny. Not technically something that would be made into a kids movie though...

I found it on Amazon Prime Video with it's glorious 1.7 glory rating, but I figured I'd check it out...not once but twice. Yes TWICE!!! The movie was so boring that I couldn't even stay awake during its hour and a half long duration. The plot is stupid (to be honest, I still never knew what the damn plot was), the pacing is annoyingly slow, and none of the characters are likeable. Not only are the characters unlikable and unfunny, but their stupidity gives me a HORRENDOUS headache. The villian of the movie, Dinkle, had been a sly fox for 1400 years, and when random stuff happens, NO ONE FOR SOME REASON THINKS "OH MAYBE IT'S DINKLE AGAIN!!" But that would make too much sense and the movie can't make sense because then it will be too short, AND WE CAN'T HAVE OUR MOVIE BE SHORT!!

This is a damn Christmas movie based on a deadass video game, but I literally forgot about the so called "elf bowling" plotline...(sigh). The animation is tolerable and not too insulting despite the characters looking like creepy early CGI models...wait what year this came out again? Meh I don't care. The voice acting is not terrible, but it IS annoying. Every character, except maybe Lex (the magic ball elf), sounds incredibly annoying. That's more of my personal nitpick because I've heard less annoying voices in Spongebob Squarepants...(I made the reference because Tom Kenny plays Dinkle...).

This is a kid's movie sure, but this is not something I would recommend parents to show their kids. Not only is the movie terrible, but it's also an insult to children's intelligence and it's very boring. I personally think this was made for money, because the creators did not care. I'd taken creepy stop-motion Christmas specials before this anyday.

Oh there's sex jokes somewhere in there too...

This is like a chick flick but instead of smoking hot babes its a munchkin and a fat guy

Seriously how did this film get greenlit? What were the producers thinking/smoking? There is no real reason to make this. I can fathom films made based on Mario, Sonic, Donkey Kong, or Star Fox but why this? Seriously it was based off of Elf Bowling an online game in 1998 that was renowned for being among the worst. Yet it worse because the story is barely based on what flimsy material it is and there's so many lame scenes and bland song and dance numbers that stretches the time making it not only longer but seem longer than it really is. It all starts off with Santa as a pirate and his brother Dingle getting kicked off their ship, freezing, and thawed by elves. Dingle wants to be in charge and challenges Santa to a game of bowling and Dingle wins by cheating (using penguins in place of elves). Then the plot turns south with the elves being moved to Fiji and involving talking statues. Then a rematch happens and oh heck is this beyond stupid. The characters are ugly and one dimensional, the animation lacking, the story is abysmal beyond comprehension, nor is the dialogue or voice acting worthwhile. If any good came out of it, it's that a Halloween sequel was cancelled due to this lame excuse of this movie's even lamer performance. If anyone is going to make a movie based on any videogame, base it on something well known and good. This should be a chapter in how to not make a movie.

This movie is like a chick flick except instead of smoking babes, dude, it's a munchkin and fat guy. *cries*

Seriously, this movie is garbage. Don't watch it

Apparently, this was based on a free, obscure Flash game created in 1998 and for some reason, the creators thought it had potential for a movie almost ten years later. They couldn't have been more wrong, because the result was one of the worst computer-animated Christmas movies of all time.

Here's the story: Pirate siblings, Santa (Joe Alaskey) and Dingle (Tom Kenny), make a living stealing and selling toys aboard their ship. Soon, though, they are mutinied and thrown overboard. After winding up at the North Pole, the brothers plan to steal and sell all the toys the elves there have made. Eventually though, Santa has a change of heart and becomes the jolly old St. Nick we know and love, while Dingle unsurprisingly seeks to overthrow his brother and take over Christmas. So now, the two siblings compete in an Elf bowling match, the winner which will be the head of the holidays.

Admittingly, on paper, the plot sounded interesting and had potential. The idea of Santa Claus starting off as a bad guy, then gradually learning the importance of giving and bringing joy to the world until he becomes the figure of Christmas and might have worked if handled properly. But instead, the creators ruined it all when they chose to mix it with "Elf Bowling". And ironically, there isn't even that much bowling involved in the film. It's just a plot device to invoke the final showdown between Santa and Dingle.

Granted, I've seen worse animation in "Sir Billi" and "Foodfight!", both released later in 2012, but it still sucked here and looked about ten years out of date. The character models all had shoddy and ugly designs, poorly textured faces that looked as though their skin was made of wax, and their movements were jerky and erratic. The Elves looked the worst with their small beady eyes, oversized cheekbones, and huge pointy noses; they reminded me of Tingle from the Legend of Zelda.

The dialogue is boring and disgusting, with lines like: "Who pooped in the peanut butter?". And there's way too much innuendo for kids to be watching this, like: "Brother, you keep your hot strudel in your pants." Plus, despite a notable voice cast being involved, all the voice acting and singing was annoying. I guess they spent most of the budget hiring Tom Kenny to lend his voice, but all we hear is him using a slightly altered Patchy the Pirate voice for Dingle.

I can't believe it cost $6.5 million to make this, because in the end, this was just a humorless, poorly made, 80-minute-long mess based on a flash game long forgotten. It had no redeeming qualities and no Christmas charm or spirit to speak of. Except for "The Christmas Light" and "Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa", this was the crappiest computer animated Christmas movie I've ever seen, and I'm irritated that I wasted my time watching it, even just to review it as a warning for others.