Luke Wilson credited as playing...
Matt Saunders
- Jenny Johnson: [after breaking the bed while having sex] I'm sorry. I'll get you a new one.
- Matt Saunders: A bed or a penis?
- Jenny Johnson: Both.
- [over the phone]
- Matt Saunders: What's going on there?
- Vaughn Haige: Some big fire on 73rd and Broadway. Everything's burning.
- Matt Saunders: Is anyone hurt?
- Vaughn Haige: I don't know, probably. It's blocking my way to the gym.
- Matt Saunders: All my thoughts are with you in this time of crisis.
- Jenny Johnson: I gotta go to the bathroom.
- Matt Saunders: You didn't just go to the bathroom?
- Jenny Johnson: Are you keeping track? That's kind of creepy.
- Hannah Lewis: [referring to Jenny] She sounds like a nutcase.
- Matt Saunders: So you're saying she's perfect for me.
- Matt Saunders: You're that Bedlam guy.
- Professor Bedlam: Professor Bedlam.
- Matt Saunders: The super villain.
- Professor Bedlam: Please, I am not super. I am not a villain. I'm just a regular man like yourself with a thousand times more money, intelligence and taste.
- [after revealing her secret to Matt]
- Jenny Johnson: Say "I'd rather have a chainsaw shoved up my ass than tell."
- Matt Saunders: Is that a possibility?
- Jenny Johnson: Say it!
- Matt Saunders: Ok. I'd rather have a chainsaw shoved up my ass than tell.
- Carla Dunkirk: You are headed for some serious trouble.
- Matt Saunders: I hear you, Homegirl. I got it.
- Carla Dunkirk: You were staring at her butt.
- Hannah Lewis: [smiling; flattered] He was?
- Matt Saunders: No I wasn't...
- Carla Dunkirk: Yes he was!
- [as they're floating up in the sky]
- Jenny Johnson: I've always wanted to try this.
- Matt Saunders: Try what?
- [Jenny unzips his pants]
- Matt Saunders: That. Wow. I'm not sure that's gonna work up here. It's drafty, too.
- Matt Saunders: I find your argument both repugnant and intriguing.
- Vaughn Haige: That's kind of my thing.
- Matt Saunders: Why did you call me?
- Hannah Lewis: [dejected] Steve was cheating on me. I caught him in bed with another woman. Actually, two other women. Maybe three. I don't know, I didn't really get a good look.
- Matt Saunders: [he thinks Steve is a rat, but is nevertheless impressed with his sexual prowess] Three, eh? Wow.
- Hannah Lewis: Steve was so good-looking, and he loved jazz, and rock-climbing; he took me to nice places, and he gave me multiple orgasms...
- Matt Saunders: [interrupts her] I don't really need to hear that.
- Hannah Lewis: The thing is, I never really had any fun with him. Not like I have with you. You've been a really good friend to me, Matt Saunders.
- Professor Bedlam: I have developed the means of permanently stripping her of her powers.
- Matt Saunders: No powers? So she'd just be another average, everyday, run-of-the-mill, crazy ex-girlfriend?
- Professor Bedlam: Yeah. That's gotta be better.
- Matt Saunders: I'm not going to help you kill her!
- Professor Bedlam: Kill? I didn't say "kill"! I said "neutralize"! It's a neutral word... like Switzerland!
- [the purse-snatcher runs away, having dropped Jenny's handbag]
- Matt Saunders: That's right, you better run, asshole! Keep running, my man. You don't want any of this! Keep running! Yeah!
- [purse snatcher comes back around the corner with a lead pipe in his hands]
- Scary Dude: What'd you call me?
- Matt Saunders: Holy shit!
- [over the phone, as Vaughn watches G-Girl put out a fire by spinning up a whirlwind]
- Vaughn Haige: It's G-Girl! She's doing her thing!
- Matt Saunders: Are you serious? You lucky S.O.B., I've never seen her in person. How does she look?
- Vaughn Haige: She looks...
- Matt Saunders: What?
- Vaughn Haige: ...blurry! But still pretty hot!
- Matt Saunders: Hannah!
- Vaughn Haige: Oh, man, I think she's dead. Time to start the grieving process.
- Matt Saunders: I think everybody's preoccupied with what's happening. Maybe if someone could just take care of the problem, everyone can have a better night, a smoother night, know what I mean?
- Jenny Johnson: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Matt Saunders: Yeah, I'd appreciate it. In fact, I'd super-appreciate it.