Satanic

Woooaah Nelly!!! Talk about a cinematic suckfest! This movie blows. Wait it sucks. Damn, I can't decide which it does more but it's very very poor quality crap that barely qualifies for the status of being an actual movie.

If you are in an UBER stupid mood you can sit through this just to watch a dumb movie. It's pretty incredibly lame w special effects and it's absolutely the most unbelievable acting ever. If you don't mind a so bad that it's kinda good in a retarded way- you can add this to your roster of crap to half pay attention to sometime. However- if you are looking for a decent horror movie keep walkin' buddy, nothing to see here.. nothing to see here.

A few things to show you how dumb this movie is- some scenes of the bandaged face are bandages, others are a hard mask that is obviously different yet both are supposed to represent the same thing- which is pathetic.

Right in line with the production quality of the rest of this worthless dog.

The lead girl is pretty curvy though. One yum to that.

One of the most pathetic and deceitful things a movie producer can do is promote his/her crap film by exploiting the name of a famous and extremely popular veteran actor and then subsequently only cast the popular veteran actor in a role that isn't much larger than a cameo appearance. Jeffrey Combs is incredibly popular among horror fans – mainly for his role of the demented Dr. West in the "Re-Animator" films – and he's one of the most regular & prominent actors active in the genre, so linking his name to a new film is guaranteed to attract more viewers. Combs' name is the first on the DVD-cover and the first one to be displayed during the opening credits, yet all together he only appears on screen for approximately three minutes of playtime in total! That's quite frustrating, especially because many people (myself included) probably feared already that "Satanic" would suck tremendously and hoped that Combs' performance would be the only worthwhile element. I just hope this isn't saying anything about Jeffrey Combs' career being in trouble or something. It's easy money, of course, but let's hope his career does not depend on paychecks like this. "Satanic" certainly isn't the worst horror film I ever saw, but it's dreadfully boring and the acting performances are incompetent beyond imagination. The basic concept of the film is somewhat intriguing, and admittedly I was pleasantly surprised by the end-twist, but the low-budget elaboration is very poor and amateurish. Following a disastrous car-accident, Michelle wakes up in a hospital and can't remember a single thing about her past and family situation. She carries around an eerie kind of Ouija-board soon suffers from nightmares in which her dead father comes to ask her bizarre questions regarding events that took place before the accident. Michelle is then moved from the hospital to a home for troubled teenagers where her tainted pas slowly gets unraveled. "Satanic" severely drags in places and none of the characters actually manages to say their lines properly. Especially James Russo and Diane Goldner are both horrible as the obnoxious owners of the Harmony House; the place where Michelle is sent after her treatment at the hospital. There's very little gore and bloodshed on display and most of the murders are incomprehensibly committed off screen. There's some hot female nudity and – as said – the denouement is admirable, but overall "Satanic" nearly isn't good or memorable enough to get a recommendation.

After a car crash, the teenager Michelle (Annie Sorell) has the face completely destroyed and amnesia. In the hospital, she is called Bride of Mummy due to the mask she needs to wear along her therapy. However, her doctor makes a perfect facial reconstruction using family pictures and Michelle is discharged from the hospital and sent to a home that lodges young offenders since she was considered a troublemaker before the car crash. The police release her possessions of the day of the accident – a journal and an Ouija board - and Michelle moves with the host Bisson (Rick Dean) to his house. On the same day she leaves the hospital, the janitor is murdered. Michelle shares a room with the outcast delinquent Dalia (Eliza Swenson) and she has dreadful nightmares during the night and is confused. She befriends Larry (Brett Erickson), who shares another room in the house with Dutch (Brian Burnett), and tries to help her. When Dalia is found dead in the room with cuts in the wrists, the evidences are of suicide; however Detective Joyner (Jeffrey Combs) suspects that Michelle is the responsible for the murders.

The greatest attraction of "Satanic" is certainly the name of the cult- actor Jeffrey Combs in the credits, but unfortunately he has a minor role. The screenplay is a complete mess, with a poor development of the characters; and the worse, this lack of information of the characters is part of the predictable plot point. The unknown Annie Sorell is completely miscast in the role of a teenager since she is certainly twenty and something years old. The same happens to Eliza Swenson. The conclusion is terrible, with many deaths without any consequence. My vote is three.

Title (Brazil): "Jogos Satânicos" ("Satanic Games")

A teenage girl (who appears to be 30) is in a nasty car accident, loses her memory, and is placed in Harmony House with other "problem kids" where she begins to recall a past riddled with Satanic imagery and Ouija board fun.

This film is truly awful. The opening scene is ruined by a horrible actor who reappears multiple times throughout the film, repeating the same lines (variations of "what did you do, Michelle?") and coming across as the worst actor in history. His presence, along with the way the director felt the need to splice his scenes in, really killed any hope this movie had of being good.

Also, the film really drags. The same things happen over and over again. The flashbacks get on my nerves like you wouldn't believe, and even in the later parts of the film where the mystery begins to make sense, it's really stupid and tedious.

I really wanted to like this film. It has horror movie legend Angus Scrimm, as well as icons Jeffrey Combs (one of my idols) and James Russo (who coincidentally also co-star in "Blackwater Valley Exorcism", see separate review). It has a shower scene and one of the hottest girls in horror history getting it on. And two teenage boys who I thought were pretty funny, arguing over a video game in what I could only describe as 1980s Atari commercial style. Yet, it fails miserably.

Scrimm is okay, and Combs does fairly well as the detective (and why wouldn't he?). But neither has a role with much depth or range. Combs first appears in a scene where he has maybe two lines and 30 seconds of screen time, and I was quite worried they had used him just to put his name on the cover. While I still suspect this, at least he returned later on for another few minutes. Who are these people casting horror icons in such pointless roles?

There is no reason to see this film. While not as bad as the film "Nine Lives" I subjected myself to recently, it certainly ranks as one of the most worthless of 2006. With this influx of straight-to-video horror I've been coming across lately, I expect a lot of crap... but seriously, who are the people greenlighting these projects? Is this the time for me to make a directorial debut?

Very uneven lowish production values hurt, but there are some good ideas in the script and the Combs and Scrimm are fine in basically not much roles,probably lured by director Dan Golden's knowing them than by the material, though both have been in worse roles in worse movies. James Russo's part is almost as "big" but as Combs but they didn't have the guts to claim he stars in the movie. However using Combs name first on the box is exploitation in the worst sense he's barely in the movie. Scrimm has a bigger but ultimately no pay off role. Movie is about OUJA board more than anything Satanic other than the credit sequence in lava-hell landscape.

So what's really bad about the movie is a slapdash editing and really crappy sound job and lousy music score that lifts a "cut to commercial" music signature bit from Charlie's Angels.

Also the principal cast is pretty bad and much post production re-dubbing of voices sounds like it was done by one actor impersonating the the cast rather poorly. And if those are the actors voices, almost impossible, but if those are then the post production sound is even worse than I'm giving it "credit" for.

The occasional crappy sets and pretty bad make-up further drag this down into the dumps. Some okay ideas from director Golden but usually defeated by one problem or another. But in the shameful hall of Lionsgate "pick up" movies this is for the most part not a total rip off, if you can overlook the sloppy editing. Sometimes shots linger just long enough to make you chuckle at a odd performance or a not so great effect, that would have been fine if it didn't linger.

Sure it's shot on video, like everything will be soon, quality varies but there is far worse looking stuff out there, but the sound really really tries to bury this one in the ground, lousy demon voices and that music score, it's like, well how can I say, bad.