Tim Allen credited as playing...
Doug Madsen
- Dudley Frank: [upon seeing Maggie] She is perfect.
- Doug Madsen: You like the waitress?
- Dudley Frank: Oh, man. I wanted to say something funny to her, but all I could think of was black jokes.
- Bobby Davis: Like which ones?
- Dudley Frank: I forget.
- Bobby Davis: Why don't you tell the one that ends with you getting your ass whooped.
- Dudley Frank: Would that be funny?
- Bobby Davis: I'll be laughing. Oh, I'll be cracking up.
- Doug Madsen: Ooh boy, my ass is sore.
- Dudley Frank: Mine too, its Woody's fault for riding us so hard yesterday. The human body wasnt made to stradle something that big for that long.
- Woody Stevens: Well ya know its gonna hurt a little bit but that's all part of the experience. Its why we didnt bring our wives.
- Bobby Davis: Wut da...? What the hell? Someone wanna explain to me why I'm the one in the dirt? When I got sore jaws from 3 hours of blowin...
- [notices Highway Patrolman]
- Highway Patrolman: Please... Please, for the love of God, finish your sentence.
- Doug Madsen: Woody, sorry I said you had ego issues.
- Woody Stevens: Sorry I said you were a pussy.
- Doug Madsen: You didn't call me a pussy.
- Woody Stevens: Well, not to your face, but that's what I was thinking.
- Highway Patrolman: 4 counts of indecent exposure... 2 counts of lewd, lascivious behavior, and one count - pure jealousy
- Doug Madsen: [shocked] Huh?
- Highway Patrolman: [Smiling] How you doing?
- Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
- Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!
- Dudley Frank: I got a tat.
- Doug Madsen: Hell just froze over.
- Woody Stevens: Let's see it!
- Dudley Frank: I'm a biker dude!
- [shows tattoo of Apple logo]
- Woody Stevens: It's an Apple.
- Dudley Frank: I know, it's trademarked, but what are they gonna say... It's in my skin, bitch!
- Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, why don't you go out there?
- Charley: I'm the sheriff of a town of 500 people. I got my qualification from a course on the internet. For my arms training, they just told me to play Doom!
- Woody Stevens: Come on, guys, we're exhausted. I think we should take the bikes back to the hotel, put them in a shed with the doors closed, and then play Scrabble in the room with the shades down.
- Doug Madsen: Look Aunt Bea, maybe you want to do something else here in Mayberry!
- Jack: I knew you assholes the minute I laid eyes on you! Look at the four of you!
- Doug Madsen: You don't know us.
- Jack: [to Doug] You think I don't know you? You're probably a... podiatrist or an ear-, nose-, and throat-specialist.
- Doug Madsen: I wish.
- Jack: An orthadontist?
- Bobby Davis: Close enough.
- Jack: [turns to Bobby] Bobby, guarantee you're hen-pecked! The wife wears the pants!
- Bobby Davis: You know my wife?
- Jack: [to Dudley] And you, no luck with women. I guarantee you bag your own shit.
- Dudley Frank: Wow, you're good. What color am I thinking of?
- Jack: Shut up!
- [turns to Woody]
- Jack: And you, you're the biggest poser of them all... aren't ya, Squinty! Go home!
- Doug Madsen: Woody, remember the theme of this trip? "Whatever", remember? "Whatever?"
- Woody Stevens: Okay, fine! Fine. We'll stay the night, and get gas in the morning. Okay.
- Doug Madsen: Calm down. I just don't understand what your rush is.
- Woody Stevens: I'm not in a rush, man. I just wanna ride, man. I just wanna ride. You know? Sally, ride. You are so weird! You ask some weird shit and say the weirdest things. Why don't you just, what, what?
- Doug Madsen: Did you ever wake up one morning and wonder what happened to your life?
- [Woody nods his head]
- Doug Madsen: You know, I thought my life would be an adventure. All of a sudden, I'm a suburban dentist.
- Bobby Davis: Look, Doug, I feel your pain, man. I mean I swore I would never return to a job where I had to where condoms on my shoes.
- Woody Stevens: You're still at The Firm?
- Bobby Davis: Yea. I get yelled at by an ungrateful wife. I swear the whole thing has made me...
- Doug Madsen: ...a wimp.
- Bobby Davis: I was gonna say miserable.
- Bobby Davis: [pause] What? You think I'm a wimp?
- Doug Madsen: No, I thought you were gonna say wimp, so I'd thought I'd say it for you.
- Woody Stevens: You're a wimp, Bobby. I'll say it. I mean you're afraid of women. It's kinda embarrassing.
- Dudley Frank: I'm afraid of women.
- Woody Stevens: You're afraid to talk to women. Bobby's afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.
- [Doug and Woody laugh]
- Dudley Frank: Wow... now I'm really afraid of women.
- [Woody, Doug and Bobby are surrounded by mean-looking bikers. Woody takes off his shades and narrows his eyes, in a poor attempt to look intimidating. Doug and Bobby do not understand what he is doing, and the bikers are unimpressed]
- Jack: Wh... what is that supposed to be? Is he blind?
- Doug Madsen: He wasn't when he walked in here.
- Doug Madsen: You screwed up their lives? And by doing that, you decided to screw up our lives? Asshole!
- Doug Madsen: [convincing him to go skinny-dipping] Come on...
- Woody Stevens: Fine, I will get naked with my gay friends. If any of them look at my junk, I will kill them!
- Woody Stevens: Come on, let's go!
- Doug Madsen: What's your rush?
- Woody Stevens: Come on, man, it's the open road. Riding free, that's the rush! This isn't freedom, this is a gas station built by the man, a prison for our souls!
- Bobby Davis: my soul needs something to drink.
- Dudley Frank: We'll get gas at the next station, come on Wild Hogs! Let's go! Woo-hoo!
- Dudley Frank: [to Woody] 60% of motorcycle fatalities can be avoided by using the proper protective headwear.
- [holds up his helmet]
- Doug Madsen: What's that leather condom gonna protect you from? Snoopy? The Red Baron? Dating?