Joel David Moore credited as playing...
Ben
- Rev. Zombie: [answering the door to Ben and Marcus] What do you want?
- Ben: Uh... we wanted to do a haunted swap tour.
- Rev. Zombie: I don't do night tours anymore; I'm not allowed to.
- Ben: Okay, it's just that our friends told us that you did one here last year.
- Rev. Zombie: I can't do night tours anymore. Insurance got too high after what happened.
- Marcus: Too bad. Let's roll.
- Ben: Wait, wait, wait... What happened?
- Rev. Zombie: Oh, you don't want to know.
- Ben: [eagerly] I so do.
- Marcus: [rolling his eyes] Here we go.
- Rev. Zombie: I had a tour group...
- [organ music starts playing]
- Rev. Zombie: out in the swamp, last Halloween. It was the midst of night.
- Ben: Yeah?
- Rev. Zombie: And there was this kid...
- [to Marcus]
- Rev. Zombie: who looked kind of like you...
- [resuming the story]
- Rev. Zombie: he got spooked by something in the marsh. He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods. It chilled him to his very marrow. He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry, and he had his foot dangling over the edge. He...
- Ben: He fell in?
- Marcus: A gator got him?
- Ben: What happened?
- Rev. Zombie: He slipped... hit his head right on the roof...
- [organ music suddenly stops]
- Rev. Zombie: AND SUED ME FOR NEGLIGENCE! THAT COCKSUCKER!
- Ben: [disappointed] That's it?
- Ben: Come on, this is gonna be fun.
- Marcus: About as fun as crabs.
- Ben: You would know.
- Marcus: Screw that waitress from Fezzywigs, man.
- Ben: You did.
- Marcus: I didn't know she had bugs in her bush!
- Ben: She was scratching herself all night! What do you mean you didn't know? You can't hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everyone knows that.
- Marcus: She said it was a reaction to her fabric softener. I saw it, I asked.
- Ben: Fabric softener!
- Marcus: Look at you Mister Bigshot. Everyone knows that. When's the last time you got laid?
- Ben: ...I have sex all the time...
- Marcus: -shut up.
- Ben: This place is disgusting! Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls! Everyone is just drunk and looking for a fight- and you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?
- Ben: Haven't you seen enough boobs? I'm just not feeling this. I- I should have stayed at home.
- Buddy #1: What, so you can sit in your room and cry about Heather?
- Ben: Christine.
- Marcus: Ben, man, we came down here to have a good time. You? You're fighting it! There's fun all around you! Stop standing there like a bitch!
- Ben: How is this fun? This place is disgusting. Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls. Everyone's just drunk and looking for a fight- you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?
- Ben: I'm Ben.
- Marybeth: [blandly] Mary Beth.
- Ben: Marybeth? That's a great name, because it's, it's actually two names. Most people just have one and that's kinda boring. Like Ben. But Marybeth, that's Mary *and* it's Beth. That's a nice coat.
- Marcus: [looks at him puzzled]
- Ben: So do you have any pets?
- Marcus: [smacks him on the back of the head]
- Ben: [to Marybeth] Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?
- Ben: [when they find 2 sets of I.D.s in Shapiro's wallet] Samuel M. Barrett; Whitman Diagnostics, Senior Marketing Manager... Doug Shapiro; Producer, Director.
- Jenna: That asshole! I flew all the way down here from New York and he... AH!
- Misty: So he didn't really work for Bayou Beavers?
- Ben: I'm thinking no.
- Marcus: Dude must pretend he's a producer to get his own collection.
- [to himself]
- Marcus: Good idea.
- Misty: That pervert! Why are all men such slime? I can't believe I've fallen for this shit 3 times now!
- Marybeth: My daddy and my brother went out hunting on this river two nights ago and they never came back. The cops said they're probably just off on a bender or something somewhere, but I know that isn't what happened.
- Shawn: So you go on a ghost tour? How does that make any sense?
- Marybeth: Well, 30 bucks for a boat ride was a hell of a lot cheaper than getting my own boat, wasn't it?
- Misty: That still doesn't explain the gun!
- Ben: Yeah, and why her ticket was only 30 bucks!
- Marcus: [Ben wants to go on a haunted swamp tour instead of partying in Mardi Gras] This is so lame! How is this gonna help you get over her?
- Ben: Marcus, this whole scene back here, it's just... every hot half-naked chick I see reminds me of Christine, you know? Probably getting banged by that Bulkowski guy... in our living room, bent over that beige loveseat that MY MOM bought her! What happened to dating a normal guy? That guy's got a neck the size of a truck! And that Cauliflower ear? That's weird! What, is he gonna wrestle her to submission?
- Marcus: Alright, stop stop stop! I don't wanna think about Bulkowski banging your girl anymore!
- Ben: I don't either.
- Shawn: Who's ready to do some haunting, huh? Ha ha ha! The night will soon be upon us! The spirits of the damned are on the rise! Let's get our souls on the move, my friends!
- [sees Ben and Marcus]
- Shawn: What can I do you two for?
- Ben: Do you do a haunted swamp tour?
- Shawn: Why- Why, I do the ONLY haunted swamp tour!
- [starts doing cheap magic tricks]
- Shawn: Real live ghosts, tales of the macabre, and actual sites that are damned by... voodoo curses.
- Marcus: [to Ben] I hate you.