Mark Heap: Dr. Alan Statham

Green Wing

Dr. Alan Statham

Dr. Alan Statham: Do you want me to report you for that earring?
Dr. Macartney: Only if I can report you for the moustache.
Dr. Alan Statham: Most females find body piercing repugnant. Luckily, I am still intact.
Dr. Macartney: Yes, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.
[leaves]
Dr. Alan Statham: Exactly!
[realizes insult]
Dr. Angela Hunter: Banter?
Dr. Alan Statham: Yes.

[Boyce has taken Dr Statham to a restaurant after having bought him at the slave auction]
Dr. Alan Statham: Joanna brought me here once... to discuss hospital employment policy. Surreptitiously however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick.

Dr. Alan Statham: Erm... you may be thinking that I am comparing my penis to that of a corpse.
[looks shifty and wanders away]

Joanna Clore: [on answering machine] It's over, Alan. Don't contact me. You will never feel my super-vagina again.
Dr. Alan Statham: I, I, I wish people would leave a name!

Joanna Clore: What kind of masked kidnapper are you?
Dr. Alan Statham: Well, one who is loath to contravene local bye-laws, actually.

Dr. Alan Statham: Welcome to the lunatic asylum!
Dr. Caroline Todd: What, "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps"?
Dr. Alan Statham: Well, I don't know about that, although the Trust is an Equal Opportunities Employer so some of the Secretarial Staff might be a bit...
[twirls a finger by his head]
Joanna Clore: [bored of him] Oh, God!
[Drags Carol away]

Dr. Alan Statham: I need a new name badge. It's supposed to say "Dr Alan Statham Consultant Radiologist" but someone's blacked out the O, the N, the S, the L, the first T and the A of the word "Consultant"!
Sue White: So now it says...?

Dr. Alan Statham: To whit...
Boyce: T' whoo?
Dr. Alan Statham: I am not an Owl, Boyce.
Boyce: Although you are rather feathery, aren't you, to the touch?
Dr. Alan Statham: No, and I suppose you're about to launch into an absurd story about waking up in my bed after a slave auction and having to borrow my pants!
Boyce: Here you go. Haven't had a chance to wash them yet...

Dr. Alan Statham: No, Sue White isn't here, she's gone to do a poo on a Plate! Right, I'll let her know. No, this isn't Dr. Statham it's someone else.

Joanna Clore: I know you can't be a complete idiot or they wouldn't let you work here.
Dr. Alan Statham: ...I'm glad you're on my side.

Dr. Alan Statham: I've got to go and sort out some lymphocytes, but I'll be back soon.
Chaplain: How soon?
Dr. Alan Statham: About twenty minutes?
Chaplain: Are you sure you're getting enough work done?
Dr. Alan Statham: [grasps her hand] We have fatter fish to fry!

Harriet Schulenburg: No!
Dr. Alan Statham: No, of course not. Who'd want me? I look like a broom! And who'd want to go out with a broom?
Harriet Schulenburg: A dustpan?
Dr. Alan Statham: Yes, and where would one find a maritally unfettered dustpan?
Harriet Schulenburg: Well, my husband found me at evening classes.

Poetry Group Leader: You don't have to rush at it, Alan. Just let what Linda has said penetrate our souls.
Dr. Alan Statham: ...Right! Penetrated.
[Takes the chair, unfolds his poem]
Dr. Alan Statham: "Carrier Pigeon". Carrier Pigeon... Carrier Pigeon... Carrier... of disease! OH! Gnarled claw... disease eating away at your very being... "Look out! A car!" "I can't fly, my wing's damaged." Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... Let it penetrate.

Joanna Clore: [bursts in on Statham beating a Green Dwarf to death with a stuffed Heron] What are you doing?
Dr. Alan Statham: It's all right! He's not real!

Dr. Alan Statham: [Joanna's dumped him and he's beating his fist on the Chapel Altar]
Chaplain: Are you alright?
Dr. Alan Statham: [startled] Oh my fucksie! No, well, you know. God's a Sod! She's gone and that's all there is to it.
Chaplain: I'm so sorry. Did she suffer?