Stephen Mangan credited as playing...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan • Dr. Guillaume Secretan
- Sue White: Yes?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I haven't asked the question yet.
- Sue White: Yes.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is the answer?
- Sue White: What?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is yes the answer?
- Sue White: Is the question.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: But is yes the answer? Take a gamble.
- Sue White: I don't know, is it?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Take a gamble.
- Sue White: No.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No is the answer?
- Sue White: No is the answer. Yes is never the answer.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: So no is the answer?
- Sue White: No is the answer.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: So if I were to say, are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me, then your answer is no?
- Sue White: Do you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you want to just have, do you want to just fuck me now? Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna just get your cock out and fuck me now? How about that, yeah? Shall we, here... on the table? Yeah, how about whopping it up my ass, what about that Mr. Secretan? Not Doctor... but Mister. Yeah? One above Doctor, how about that yeah? Mr. Secretan whopping up the staff liaison's ass.
- [pause]
- Sue White: So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that, 'kay?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Not sure I can stand up.
- Sue White: No? Well I'll leave for a few moments, shall I?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: OK. Shut the door.
- Sue White: OK.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: That's how I remembered your name when I first met you.
- Dr. Macartney: What?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Massively annoying chap.
- Dr. Macartney: Massively annoying chap?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah. Mac. I was going to say Massively Annoying...
- [scene cuts]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [to Sue White] Do you know what I like about you?
- [pause]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fuck all.
- [leaves]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yes, I've died and gone to heaven, females are fighting over their pants. They're going to rip each other's clothes off!
- Boyce: I'm getting a semi.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Semi? What's wrong with you boy, I'm like a flagpole!
- Dr. Martin Dear: She's my smoo too!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: She's your smoo? And my smoo!
- Dr. Martin Dear: What are we going to do?
- Sue White: Dr Secretan... are you ok?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [sobbing] Don't touch me.
- Sue White: And you're hiding in the coats because?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I feel safe here... It reminds me of...
- Sue White: Being locked up when you were a boarding school boy for being caught tampering with your down belows?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yep... No! I just wanted some space - would you just go away?
- Sue White: No. Now what's the problem? I'm here to help, to listen, to soothe.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: My mother's womb is no more.
- Sue White: Oh, dear. Hysterectomy?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No, she died when I was very young. Left me motherless and now my life is just a shambles without her and it's getting worse... I mean, look at my eyes
- Sue White: There's nothing wrong with your eyes... you have very nice eyes. If a little on the pokey side.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Don't be nice to me!
- Sue White: Oh, all right! Pull yourself together you cretinous Fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people's coats? Rocking and whinging to themselves? I'll tell you what sort of a man... a self centered, egotistical wankbot. Now unhook yourself... and stop being so weak. Men don't cry. They are strong hunter-gatherers! So go hunt, go gather and be a total *cunt* because that's what you do best!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [shouts] Fuck you! You ugly bitch... Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?
- Sue White: Well, I am tempted because I'm all fired up. But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Kissing in the toilet?
- Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes... who sang Kissing In The Toilets in 1978?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Er... was it a young George Michael?
- Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes.
- [leaves]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fucking hell, that was a guess!
- [sings]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Kissing in the toilet - don't flush, it's lush...
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
- Dr. Macartney: That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night... blew a monkey on a dog.
- Dr. Macartney: Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No, a monkey, it's fifty sheets.
- Terry: Five hundred.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Really? So what's a pony?
- Dr. Macartney: It's kind of a small horse...
- Dr. Macartney: So tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: What?
- Dr. Macartney: It's a blouse, isn't it?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fuck off, it's designer.
- Dr. Macartney: What, Laura Ashley?
- [Guy has let slip that he was a bridesmaid at the age of five]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: It was a turn of phrase!
- Dr. Macartney: Turn of gender?
- [Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"
- Dr. Macartney: Maison!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?
- Dr. Martin Dear: No, not really.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Good. Go!
- Dr. Macartney: [Guy has drunkenly stolen an ambulance. Mac is on the phone to the police] He's definitely becoming more rational. It's just that he had a shock recently. He had sex with his Mother.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Don't tell them that!
- Dr. Macartney: [to Guy] Why, it's not a crime.
- [Listens to the phone]
- Dr. Macartney: Oh, it is! Apparently you can get seven years.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: This is you trying to talk someone out of a suicidal depression, is it?
- Dr. Macartney: I'm just giving them the mitigating circumstances for joyriding.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Joyriding! Does it look like I'm enjoying it?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [critiques Martin's wine at the party] Pure tramp juice! I know, you were standing in the offy saying "I know I should bring a Chablis but it's only a party". Vin du Pays for what you get and what you get is shite!
- Dr. Caroline Todd: I always thought those kinds of schools were so cruel. You think of these poor kids left in front of those large, cold Victorian buildings with all their luggage, crying.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: That's rubbish because... my school was Edwardian.
- Dr. Caroline Todd: They don't know anyone, they don't know where they're supposed to go. What kind of parents would do that to their child?
- Dr. Macartney: Guy's.
- Dr. Macartney: Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!
- Dr. Macartney: Funk-eh!
- Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!
- Dr. Macartney: No, funk-eh!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [scary voice] Funkehh!
- [Dr Secretan comes into Sue's office with a small boy under his arm]
- Sue White: What's this?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: It's a kid. Um, what do they eat?
- Sue White: Is it lost?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No. I borrowed it from someone because I'm trying to pull and apparently women love it.
- [pause]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is it doing anything for me?
- Sue White: No.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [he puts the child down on Sue's desk] Here, you have it.
- [he leaves]
- Sue White: [looks at the child less than enthusiastic] Er, hello.
- toddler: Hello.
- Sue White: Hello. Umm... do you, do you want one of these?
- [she pulls a lolly out of a drawer]
- toddler: Yes, please.
- [holds out a hand towards the lolly]
- Sue White: [pulls the lolly away] Well, you can't have it.
- [Sue has bought Guy at the slave auction since Mac wasn't available]
- Sue White: Right, now, you are my slave and I can make you do anything I want you to, Dr Secretan.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, within reason.
- Sue White: Well, not necessarily.
- [she pulls a red curly wig out of her bag]
- Sue White: Right, for instance, pop this on.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: What?
- Sue White: Go on, slave, pop that on!
- [Guy puts the wig on reluctantly]
- Sue White: Oohh, good, just, er, you know, suck your cheeks in.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Why?
- Sue White: Just do it! Just pretend you've got cheekbones.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Right, okay...
- [he does as he is told]
- Sue White: And say "Hello, Sue".
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Hello, Sue.
- Sue White: [she moans] ..."I'm Dr McCartney"...
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I'm Dr... ahhhhh. Oh, I'm not saying it, oh, for God's sake!
- Sue White: Yeah, touch my bottom! Touch! Touch it!
- [Guy grabs it reluctantly]
- Sue White: Haaaahhhh, ahhoh, hihhihi...!
- [she giggles girlishly]
- Sue White: Well, let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? Shall we? It's nice, isn't it?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oh, it's great.
- Sue White: Nice showroom, this, isnt it? Not too busy for a Saturday? Like this one? Shall we? Shall we buy it?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yes, let's buy it, darling.
- Sue White: Oooohhh, okay!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I could see my white puny body draped across it. I can see my ginger pubes collecting in the cracks.
- Sue White: Can you? Oh stop it! Ohhh, in my crack! Collecting in my crack! Oh, lovely! Oooooohhh, you lovely thing!