Julian Rhind-Tutt credited as playing...
Dr. Macartney
- Dr. Macartney: Join me again next week on this episode of "Let's make no fucking sense" when I will be waxing an owl.
- Dr. Alan Statham: Do you want me to report you for that earring?
- Dr. Macartney: Only if I can report you for the moustache.
- Dr. Alan Statham: Most females find body piercing repugnant. Luckily, I am still intact.
- Dr. Macartney: Yes, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.
- [leaves]
- Dr. Alan Statham: Exactly!
- [realizes insult]
- Dr. Angela Hunter: Banter?
- Dr. Alan Statham: Yes.
- Dr. Caroline Todd: Please can I have a quick word?
- Dr. Macartney: Zoom. Whoosh. There's two for you.
- [walks off]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: That's how I remembered your name when I first met you.
- Dr. Macartney: What?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Massively annoying chap.
- Dr. Macartney: Massively annoying chap?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah. Mac. I was going to say Massively Annoying...
- [scene cuts]
- Dr. Macartney: I see a chocolate Phil Collins popping out of a cuckoo clock every hour to tidy up his Nazi gold.
- Dr. Macartney: I'm sure at your last Hospital they all found your personal life fascinating. Do your job. There are enough sitcoms set in Hospitals, don't you think?
- Sue White: [sitting at her desk, she has put a fan in front of her so that her hair flows freely in the wind. Throughout the conversation she wriggles around on her desk seductively]
- Dr. Macartney: It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time, you know - together!
- Sue White: Key member of the team? - no. Scatterbrain floozy? yes!
- Dr. Macartney: Okay, I don't want to be without the scatterbrain floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time.
- Sue White: Well, there is more than adequate cover.
- Dr. Macartney: I don't think there is.
- Sue White: Guy is far from irreplaceable, now that is something you've always said.
- Dr. Macartney: Yes, I've always said that - very happy to have him out of my sight.
- Sue White: And, you managed fine before the scatterbrain floozy arrived.
- Dr. Macartney: Did I?
- Sue White: Yeah!
- Dr. Macartney: Yes, I suppose I did, yes.
- Sue White: So what's the problem?
- Dr. Macartney: I don't want them to be off - both at the same time! I don't!
- Sue White: Why?
- Dr. Macartney: Just because.
- Sue White: Because why?
- Dr. Macartney: Because... because guy is a wanker!
- Sue White: Yeah, well, I actually, you know I don't draw up the rosters.
- Dr. Macartney: Sorry, are yóu on my side here, or not...?
- Sue White: Dr Macartney, Dr Macartney, yes, I'm always on your side, you know I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm *under* your side... I'm all over your side.
- Dr. Macartney: Okay, that's time for me to go now, okay.
- [leaves]
- Sue White: I can do headstands! Now, would you like to see that? Would you...? The...? Would you like to see that?
- [she stands up, pulls up her skirt and fans her crotch]
- Sue White: Ohhhh...
- Sue White: Oh, God, you know, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac, I know this is boring. Bloody computer virus has wiped off half your record. So, still single, I see, and no-one can understand it! Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me.
- Dr. Macartney: Aha.
- Sue White: [types something into her computer very quickly] God, I want you. Not just sexually, in every way.
- [fast typing]
- Sue White: I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep,
- [typing]
- Sue White: run my hand over your back and edge forward into regions knowing that my hand could make you feel like no other could.
- [more typing]
- Sue White: Mobile phone number?
- Dr. Macartney: 07956, actually, I'm between...
- Sue White: Thighs?
- Dr. Macartney: ...networks.
- Sue White: Okay.
- [typing]
- Sue White: And, um... Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth.
- [typing]
- Sue White: House number?
- Dr. Macartney: 21.
- Sue White: That's it! That's all we were missing. All righty. Well, you know, you're free to go. See you at the slave auction.
- Dr. Macartney: Yes.
- Sue White: [whispering] I have an unlimited budget!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
- Dr. Macartney: That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.
- Dr. Caroline Todd: How was the interview?
- Dr. Macartney: Not sure... think I might have used the words 'job', 'stick', 'up' and 'arse' all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?
- Dr. Caroline Todd: Well I... I think tone of voice is very important.
- Dr. Macartney: Is it, is it? Damn. Shit. Excuse me, I have some patients to see.
- Dr. Macartney: Martin, Martin, see this - is that your signiture?
- Dr. Martin Dear: Yeah, it is, yeah.
- Dr. Macartney: Yeah, can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Does look a little bit insensitive.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night... blew a monkey on a dog.
- Dr. Macartney: Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No, a monkey, it's fifty sheets.
- Terry: Five hundred.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Really? So what's a pony?
- Dr. Macartney: It's kind of a small horse...
- Dr. Macartney: So tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: What?
- Dr. Macartney: It's a blouse, isn't it?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fuck off, it's designer.
- Dr. Macartney: What, Laura Ashley?
- [Guy has let slip that he was a bridesmaid at the age of five]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: It was a turn of phrase!
- Dr. Macartney: Turn of gender?
- [Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"
- Dr. Macartney: Maison!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?
- Dr. Martin Dear: No, not really.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Good. Go!
- Dr. Macartney: [Guy has drunkenly stolen an ambulance. Mac is on the phone to the police] He's definitely becoming more rational. It's just that he had a shock recently. He had sex with his Mother.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Don't tell them that!
- Dr. Macartney: [to Guy] Why, it's not a crime.
- [Listens to the phone]
- Dr. Macartney: Oh, it is! Apparently you can get seven years.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: This is you trying to talk someone out of a suicidal depression, is it?
- Dr. Macartney: I'm just giving them the mitigating circumstances for joyriding.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Joyriding! Does it look like I'm enjoying it?
- Dr. Caroline Todd: I always thought those kinds of schools were so cruel. You think of these poor kids left in front of those large, cold Victorian buildings with all their luggage, crying.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: That's rubbish because... my school was Edwardian.
- Dr. Caroline Todd: They don't know anyone, they don't know where they're supposed to go. What kind of parents would do that to their child?
- Dr. Macartney: Guy's.
- Dr. Macartney: Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!
- Dr. Macartney: Funk-eh!
- Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!
- Dr. Macartney: No, funk-eh!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [scary voice] Funkehh!
- Dr. Macartney: You know what you need? You need a system. Like I used mnemonics when I was revising.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, alright...
- [points to parts of his head as he names the bones]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Jesus, how did you remember that?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I just took a simple everyday phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.
- Dr. Macartney: Go on then, what is it?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Foreign politicians often zing stereotypical tunes, mayday, mayday, Venezuela, neck.