Karl Theobald credited as playing...
Dr. Martin Dear
- Dr. Martin Dear: She's my smoo too!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: She's your smoo? And my smoo!
- Dr. Martin Dear: What are we going to do?
- Dr. Martin Dear: [Joanna doesn't want anyone knowing he's her son] I love you and I always have!
- Harriet Schulenburg: [Just entering] I'm sorry is this a bad time?
- Joanna Clore: No, Dr. Dear was just telling me something a patient said to him today. A psychiatric patient, obviously.
- Dr. Macartney: Martin, Martin, see this - is that your signiture?
- Dr. Martin Dear: Yeah, it is, yeah.
- Dr. Macartney: Yeah, can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Does look a little bit insensitive.
- [Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"
- Dr. Macartney: Maison!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?
- Dr. Martin Dear: No, not really.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Good. Go!
- Dr. Martin Dear: [blues harmonica] Sittin' by your bed/ wishing I could mend your broken head/ I'm so sorry you're in a coma/ I wish you could come home... er.
- Dr. Macartney: Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!
- Dr. Macartney: Funk-eh!
- Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!
- Dr. Macartney: No, funk-eh!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [scary voice] Funkehh!
- Dr. Macartney: You know what you need? You need a system. Like I used mnemonics when I was revising.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, alright...
- [points to parts of his head as he names the bones]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Jesus, how did you remember that?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I just took a simple everyday phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.
- Dr. Macartney: Go on then, what is it?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Foreign politicians often zing stereotypical tunes, mayday, mayday, Venezuela, neck.
- Dr. Martin Dear: [he's handed a CD with cocaine lines on it at the party. He turns it over, and the other guy lunges to the carpet] That's a good band!
- Sue White: How's this one?
- Dr. Martin Dear: [tries a shirt on] Well it's a bit crispy... round here.
- Sue White: Oh my creeping Jesus, these are supposed to have been waashed!
- Dr. Martin Dear: Washed? You mean they're not new?
- Sue White: New? No, they're not new, what would I be doing with new clothes in my office? This is the Dead Box!
- Dr. Martin Dear: You mean these are the clothes of dead people? That's disgusting.
- Sue White: Oh, come on, there's nothing wrong with it. Look:
- [points to shirt]
- Sue White: Fatal RTA,
- [points to trousers]
- Sue White: Fatal RTA,
- [puts boot on desk]
- Sue White: Stroke Victim! I had to wait three days for these, saves me a fortune. But come on, I'll take you shopping.
- Sue White: You say you're stressed about your exams. Well, it seems to me if you stopped being stressed things would be better for you.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Yes!
- Dr. Macartney: [bangs Guy's head against lockers] Say it!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Je suis desole...
- Dr. Macartney: [bangs Guy's head] In English!
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Martin I'm s... I'm s... I'm s... sorry I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.
- [Martin pulls Guy's lip]
- Dr. Macartney: Now hug.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan, Dr. Martin Dear: What?
- Dr. Macartney: I said hug.
- [there is no reaction]
- Dr. Macartney: FUCKING HUG!
- [Guy and Martin hug very awkwardly but break apart when Mac walks away. He turns back]
- Dr. Macartney: I said hug!
- Dr. Caroline Todd: I don't think I like your tone tonight, Martin.
- Dr. Martin Dear: [looks in other direction] Fuck off.
- Dr. Martin Dear: No, actually, it's a note and it's quite hard.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Suicide note?
- Dr. Martin Dear: No.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Shame.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oh, what are you scared about Marty?
- Dr. Martin Dear: Oh, er, well, er, failing my exams again and everyone I know realising what a loser I am and always will be, and losing any self-esteem that I ever had, and hating myself and being myself for the rest of my life.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fair enough.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Still, I suppose everyone feels like that about exams, don't they?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Er, no. Not me.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Why not?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Ooh, let me see. Is it because exams are easy peasy lemon squeezy or I'm brilliant? It's both! See, the Secretans have never been a home to self-doubt, I have no idea what you're feeling.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Well, it's bloody horrible.
- [Martin puts on his doctor's coat. A tiger tail is pinned to the back. Guy notices]
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Erm, Martin.
- Dr. Martin Dear: What?
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Nothing.
- Dr. Martin Dear: It is for a good cause.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I don't do good causes, OK? A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise fucking money for medical equipment.
- Dr. Martin Dear: You know, I've never really even touched anyone that attractive.
- Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Well, I don't mind you touching my arm if you want.
- Dr. Martin Dear: Oh, it's not quite the same is it?
- Dr. Martin Dear: Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you'd sleep with?
- Dr. Caroline Todd: Nope.