Dane Cook: Zack

Employee of the Month

Zack

Russell: Check it out guy, he's the alpha male of the store... chicks always go after the alpha male, they're like lions... kings of the desert. And you, you're just a little tiny fieldmouse dangling in the teeth of the lion while he's banging your chick. Oh wait a minute... boxboy, you're like the little hairy nutsack on the little hairy fieldmouse swinging back and forth while he's banging your chick...
Zack: [on radio] You're metaphors are magical, but shut the hell up! please?
Russell: [on radio] Roger... just going back and forth hairy calahari style in and out with his big...

[a grumpy lady struggles to load a casket onto a cart]
Grumpy Lady: Damn! The thing's heavier than it looks.
Zack: Hi, do you need some help with that?
Grumpy Lady: Yes, thank you.
[they get the casket into the cart]
Grumpy Lady: It's for my husband.
Zack: Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.
Grumpy Lady: Oh, he's not dead. Not yet. It's just too good a deal to pass up.
Zack: Well, do you need some help getting it to your car?
Grumpy Lady: No, thank you. The lazy prick's waiting for me. I'm gonna make him load it.
Zack: Well, good luck murdering your husband.
[the grumpy lady laughs]
Zack: If you need my help, holler.
[on her way out of the store, the grumpy lady addresses Dirk]
Grumpy Lady: Excuse me.
Dirk: Yes?
Grumpy Lady: That young man is wonderful. I'll be back for sure, just because of him.
Dirk: [looks at Vince] Oh, that man there? No surprise.
Grumpy Lady: No.
[the grumpy lady goes over to Zack]
Grumpy Lady: This is the guy. He's a wonderful fella.
Dirk: Well, thank you. May I help you find your way to your car?
Grumpy Lady: I know where it is. Idiot.

Lon: I can't see who's calling me a loser.
Zack: Well, I'll give you a hint. He waxes his forearms and lost his virginity in the Boy Scouts.
Lon: Uncle Donny?

Granny: Why aren't you dressed for work? Isn't today the big day?
Zack: I quit.
Granny: Why?
Zack: I screwed up Grams. Amy hates me. My friends hate me. Everybody's right about me. I'm a loser.
Granny: Well, you're certainly dressed for the part.
Zack: Thanks Grams.
Granny: You know that loser that lost all my retirement money? Well, at least that guy actually tried. I'll take the old Zack any day.

[Zack calls Timeout to give the Super Club Softball Team an inspirational pep talk]
Zack: Grab a knee. C'mon.
[All the members of the Super Club Softball Team takes a knee]
Zack: We can win this. And we can win this the Super Club way. Ok? And until today, I didn't even know what that meant. In fact, I still don't. But I do know this; we are a team out here. I mean look at us. Glenn Ross.
[Zack points to Glenn Ross]
Zack: I thought you were going to be a stuffed shirt out here. But the way you took out that catcher, are you kidding me? You're the balls, man. You're the balls and the tank. You're that whole region.
[Zack points to the Catcher]
Zack: And you? I don't even know you on a personal level. But you sign up for my paychecks. That's a good thing.
Zack: Amy, you're wonderful. Don't change a thing.
Zack: Glenn Gary, you got us pink uniforms, yes. But you know what, that's what unites us. These uniforms unites us, because we are all pink on the inside. Right?
Vince: Yeah, pink like vaginas.
[awkward silence]
Zack: Good guess, Vince.

[Zack holds up a mop, preparing to go clean up a spill, when Vince appears out of a break room with a mop]
Zack: You have got to be kidding MEEEEEEEEEEE!