Drake Bell credited as playing...
Rick Riker
- Uncle Albert: Remember, with great power comes...
- Rick Riker: Great responsibility?
- Uncle Albert: Well, I was gonna say bitches, but if you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life...
- Rick Riker: Now I'm never gonna know the secret to becoming a superhero.
- Mrs. Xavier: You wanna know the secret? Come close.
- [smacks Rick]
- Mrs. Xavier: Make a costume, shithead!
- Dr. Stephen Hawking: If there is one lesson my life can teach, is it that the spirit is stronger than the body. The hero comes from within.
- Dragonfly: Those are Celine Dion lyrics.
- Dr. Whitby: So, what brings you here?
- Rick Riker: My uncle.
- Dr. Whitby: Your uncle brought you here?
- Rick Riker: No, he's gravely injured.
- Dr. Whitby: Well, he shouldn't be driving, then.
- Rick Riker: [opening the front door] Uncle Albert!
- [Albert turns and shoots a nail from a nail gun; Rick catches the nail]
- Uncle Albert: [amazed] How did you do that?
- Rick Riker: It's... easier than it looks.
- Uncle Albert: [shoots Trey in the hand] Nope. I don't think so.
- Rick Riker: [Rick sees that Lou is coughing blood] Are you okay, Mr. Landers?
- Lou Landers: Oh, I'm fine, son. This is just healthy cough-blood!
- Jill's Mother: [shouting from a window] You're a whore, just like your mother!
- [Jill's mother goes back inside]
- Rick Riker: Who was that?
- Jill Johnson: My mother.
- [after Aunt Lucille farts through Rick and Jill's conversation, Hourglass breaks through the window]
- Hourglass: Sorry to drop in uninvited.
- Rick Riker: It's okay. We were hoping someone would open a window. It was getting stuffy in here.
- Undertaker: This is gonna be difficult for you but you've got to identify the body.
- Rick Riker: This isn't my aunt.
- Undertaker: Yes. That's why it's going to be difficult.
- Rick Riker: [during a prolonged conversation with Jill while plummeting from a rooftop] This is a really tall building.
- Uncle Albert: With great power comes... ow!
- Rick Riker: Great responsibility? Try to breathe!
- Uncle Albert: I can't. You're kneeling on my balls!
- [Rick, Aunt Lucille, Jill, Lou and Lance are sitting down for their Thanksgiving dinner]
- Lou Landers: [Lou looks at Rick's arm and sees a cut on it] What happened to your arm?
- Rick Riker: Uh... A bike messenger knocked me down.
- Rick Riker: I see your wrist is bandaged.
- Lou Landers: Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee.
- Lou Landers: And you have a cut on your lip.
- Rick Riker: Uh... My crack pipe broke.
- Rick Riker: You have a scratch on your neck.
- Lou Landers: Yes, I met a girl on Craig's List.
- Lou Landers: And you have a bruise on your neck.
- Rick Riker: I met a guy on Craig's List.
- Lou Landers: I'm sorry Lance, but we have to go.
- Lance Landers: Why?
- Lou Landers: I... shot my pants.
- [Everyone looks at Lou in total shock]
- Lance Landers: I'll drive.
- Lou Landers: What happened to your arm?
- Rick Riker: Oh. Um, a bike messenger knocked me down. I see your wrist is bandaged.
- Lou Landers: Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee, and you have a cut on your lip.
- Rick Riker: Um... my crack pipe broke. You have a scratch on your neck.
- Lou Landers: Yes, I, um... met a girl on Craigslist. And you have a bruise on *your* neck.
- Rick Riker: I... met a *guy* on Craigslist.
- Lou Landers: Sorry, Lance. We have to go.
- Lance Landers: Why?
- Lou Landers: I... shat my pants.
- Lance Landers: I'll drive.
- Jill Johnson: There's something you're not telling me, isn't there? Something secret, something locked away. deep inside.
- Rick Riker: Well, there is...
- [hears voices echoing in his head]
- Aunt Lucille Adams: Keep your identity a secret, Rick... Rick... Rick...
- Trey: Dude, you're like a real superhero, man... man... man...
- Uncle Albert: Once a month you'll bleed from your vagina... vagina... vagina... vagina...
- Jill's Mother: You're a whore just like your mother.
- Rick Riker: Who was that?
- Jill Johnson: My mother.
- Lunatic Editor: No, *you* listen to *me*! I want that story on my desk or you're fired!
- [hangs up to phone]
- Lunatic Editor: Who the hell are you?
- Rick Riker: I was wondering if you had a job opening...
- Lunatic Editor: Job? How dare you come in here and ask *me* for a job! *I'm* the editor in chief! I know the mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the future! Rosie O'Donnell--!
- [two male nurses carry him out]
- Actual Editor: Sorry about that. We share the building with a mental hospital.