Leslie Nielsen credited as playing...
Uncle Albert
- Uncle Albert: Remember, with great power comes...
- Rick Riker: Great responsibility?
- Uncle Albert: Well, I was gonna say bitches, but if you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life...
- Uncle Albert: [to Rick about a book on puberty] There are mood swings, fluid retention, and once a month you'll bleed from your vagina.
- [awkward pause]
- Uncle Albert: This may be the wrong book.
- Rick Riker: [opening the front door] Uncle Albert!
- [Albert turns and shoots a nail from a nail gun; Rick catches the nail]
- Uncle Albert: [amazed] How did you do that?
- Rick Riker: It's... easier than it looks.
- Uncle Albert: [shoots Trey in the hand] Nope. I don't think so.
- Uncle Albert: How can you say that? I've been like a father to you! I raised you, just like your father did! I believed in you, just like your father did! I slept with your mother, just like your father did!
- Uncle Albert: [lovingly] Your thighs look like warm cottage cheese someone threw up on a hot sidewalk.
- Aunt Lucille Adams: And you've always had a tiny penis.
- Uncle Albert: Well, what does it matter when you're in love?
- Uncle Albert: And maybe your father shouldn't have given you this afterall, look at the words your ancestors incribed in that ring: honor, valor, sacrifice, duty, commitment, bravery, justice, integerity, brotherhood, self-esteem, low prices, affordable housing, loose fitting pants, cheap internet porn, the rest is in Latin.
- Uncle Albert: God, Lucille! How could you take her away from me! I can't live without her! Lucille! Snookie lumps!
- Undertaker: I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife.
- Uncle Albert: [sees Lucille in other casket] Ah!
- Undertaker: She is this man's wife.
- Uncle Albert: Give me five minutes.
- Uncle Albert: With great power comes... ow!
- Rick Riker: Great responsibility? Try to breathe!
- Uncle Albert: I can't. You're kneeling on my balls!
- Uncle Albert: Rick, the hero's path is dangerous. You may fail or you may fly. All that matters is that you do it for the best of reasons. Helping others, Rick, that's what makes you a real hero.
- Jill Johnson: There's something you're not telling me, isn't there? Something secret, something locked away. deep inside.
- Rick Riker: Well, there is...
- [hears voices echoing in his head]
- Aunt Lucille Adams: Keep your identity a secret, Rick... Rick... Rick...
- Trey: Dude, you're like a real superhero, man... man... man...
- Uncle Albert: Once a month you'll bleed from your vagina... vagina... vagina... vagina...