Ryan Reynolds: Chris Brander

Just Friends

Chris Brander

Samantha James: I love it that you're taking me home to meet your mom. Was this one of your clever little plans?
Chris: Yes. I planned you setting the plane on fire.

Chris: I can't compete with this guy!
Clark: You can't compete? Are you kidding? You're Chris Brander. You're Hollywood, you date models! He's Jersey, he skis in his jeans. It's Dinkleman. It's Dusty Dinkleman.
Chris: Dinkleman?
Clark: Dinkleman.
Chris: Dinkleman?
Clark: *Dinkleman.*
Chris: Dinkleman.
Clark: Dinkleman's going down.
Chris: Dinkleman is going *way* down.

Chris' Mom: [Starts dialing while Chris is on the phone] Joyce? Joyce?
Chris: Mom, I'm on the phone.
Chris' Mom: Chris? What are you doing over at Joyce's?
Chris: No Mom, I'm in the living room ten feet away from you, and I'm on the phone.
Chris' Mom: Oh. Well, while I have you on the phone, dear, what would you like for dinner? We have a choice between chicken chow mein or potroast.

Jamie Palamino: Why do you keep messing with my head?
Chris: I messed with your head for three days. You've been *torturing* me for twenty years!
Jamie Palamino: Is this all because I didn't screw you in high school? Get over yourself!
Chris: After being the biggest tease for so long, trust me, I am so over myself.
Jamie Palamino: Oh, so I'm the tease? I practically throw myself at you the other night and you did nothing!
Chris: And now you know how it feels.

Chris' Mom: You don't need to show off to impress Jamie. You should just be yourself.
[starts singing]
Chris' Mom: Be yourself! Be yourself. Be yourself.
[Chris starts to runs off]
Chris' Mom: Now come on, Mike and I are making snow angels!
Chris: I don't want to be myself.

Chris: So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy... more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest pussy she's ever seen.

Samantha James: [in a crowded bar, Chris is talking with Jamie, while Samantha is waiting for him at the door] Chris! Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris...
Chris: I'm busy!
Samantha James: I'm busy too, stupid dick!

Mike: [Samantha has found out that Chris is seeing someone else] The jig is up! Run!
Samantha James: You son of a bitch!
Chris: Samantha! You're here! Shit!
Samantha James: There she is. There's the little slut you've been banging behind my back!
Old Woman: Me?
Samantha James: Not you, wrinkles.
[Points at Jamie]
Samantha James: Her!
Jamie Palamino: Who are you?
Samantha James: I'm Samantha James, bitch!
[Shoves Jamie]
Jamie Palamino: Don't shove me!
[Shoves Samantha back]
Samantha James: You're a whore! Santa's little whore! Santa's little whore!
Jamie Palamino: Get off!
Mike: [In an excited, high pitched voice] Cat fight!

Chris: Look Jamie. I said a lot of crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. The truth is, I'm scared to be your friend, because I'm always going to want more. But then I got to thinking that I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.
Chris: [Jamie opens her door] You know that's a lie too.
Jamie Palamino: [Comes outside and closes her door] Why are you back here?
Chris: Because I want to take you on a date. And I don't care if it's in the day, or at night, or whenever, as long as it's a real date. And I wanna tell you how beautiful I think you are. Inside and out. And I wanna have babies with you, and I wanna marry you, and I love you Jamie. I always have.
Chris: [Chris leans in and kisses her. Jamie accepts this for a second and pulls back] Sorry. Twenty years all at once, just blah!
[Jamie laughs. Chris leans in and kisses her again]

Chris' Mom: Dusty, what kind of car is this?
Dusty: Carol, this little Japanese princess here is called the Prius.
Chris' Mom: I think it's so neat that you kids care about the environment.
Chris: I love the environment.
Chris' Mom: But honey, don't you drive a Range Rover? Aren't those bad?
Chris: [pause] Well, I had a really nice time tonight, and I hope we can do it again soon. Hey, Dusty, thanks for comin'.
Dusty: Oh, listen, man, it was my pleasure, really. Thank you all for having me. It was so nice.
[Chris takes out his retainer]
Dusty: And hey, before I forget, make sure to that you rinse that thing at least twice a day, okay? Your mouth is a disgusting open cesspool with germs and bacteria. Now put that back!

Rhonda: Here we go! One grilled cheese with ranch on the side. And one sugar mountain supreme for the chubby bunny!
[Rhonda makes noises imitating a bunny]
Chris: Excuse me. Umm, this isn't gonna work for me.
Rhonda: But this is what you always order.
Chris: Yeah! Ten years ago when I was a whale!
Jamie Palamino: The pancakes are fine. He's just kidding.
Chris: [to Jaime] What?
Jamie Palamino: [Rhonda walks away from the table] Be more rude!
Chris: She's rude! She's rude! I haven't had sweets for ten years, ok? You know what this would do to my stomach?
Jamie Palamino: Relax little girl. I'll have the pancakes, and you can have my sandwich, ok?
Chris: I'll just enjoy this glass of water.
[Chris takes a small sip of water and swallows audibly]
Chris: I'm stuffed!

Samantha James: [Chris is wrestling Samantha to make her stop using her taser gun on him] Oooohhh yes! Go-Time!
Chris: Hey! Hey! It's not Go-Time! This isn't how it works Samantha! You can't force or... or torture someone into liking you!
Samantha James: [Rolls her eyes] Oooh, the big speech!
Chris: No! You just have to put yourself out there and hope that they like you back! This isn't a game! This is my LIFE!
Samantha James: Oh yeah! This is MY life! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not the most boring person ever! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not poor! I'm sorry I...
[Chris starts walking out]
Samantha James: ... I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass! I'm sorry I'm not... Hey! Where you going?

Samantha James: But I'm not ready for a gig.
Chris: Of course you are.
Samantha James: No... no. No! This is a bad idea Chris!
Chris: God I am so stupid!
Samantha James: No you aren't baby.
Chris: Here I am trying to make you into an artist when you're just a pop bubblegum sensation. But that's okay. Paris, here we come.
Samantha James: But I am an artist... I am an artist... Hey! I am an artist!
Chris: Good. You ready to do this?
Samantha James: I was born ready bitch.