Tad Hilgenbrink credited as playing...
Matt Stifler
- Elyse: Are you okay?
- Matt Stifler: Oh, yeah.
- Elyse: I'm so drunk right now... I'm probably gonna forget about you... porkin' an oboe!
- Ernie Kaplowitz: I really want to work for NASA.
- Matt Stifler: National Anal Sex Association?
- Ernie Kaplowitz: No it's Space Assoc... There's an Anal Sex Association?
- Matt Stifler: Oh, yeah, but you've got to be a pro. Wait, there's a Space Association?
- Ernie Kaplowitz: Are you really Scottish?
- Matt Stifler: Fuck no! My mom made me learn an instrument; that's the most annoying one I could think of.
- Brandon Vandecamp: You're going down.
- Matt Stifler: No, I'm not. But your mom did last night. Did she play the trumpet? 'Cause she has really strong lips.
- Ernie Kaplowitz: Get her drunk? That's the secret of the ages, that's step number two?
- Matt Stifler: No, actually it's step four - but you don't have the balls for two, or the tongue for three!
- Matt Stifler: How's that taste, Vande-cock? Mmmm... good, huh? Warm and salty? Yeah, it's a CUM-pletely new formula! 100% Stiffy Juice! SPF 69!
- Oscar: Let's go Horndog. That's is nickname. Dude will stick his dick in anything, it's unnatural.
- Jimmy: This one time in Band Camp, I fucked an oboe.
- Matt Stifler: WHAT?
- Jimmy: Blowing it for a while. Get that wood nice and warm. Slap on some valve oil, and GO TO TOWN yo!
- [Mr. Levenstein is introducing himself to Matt]
- Mr. Levenstein: I'm the MACRO, Mr. Levenstein.
- Matt Stifler: Holy shit, you're Jim's dad. He screwed that red headed nympho chick at my lake house.
- Mr. Levenstein: Oh my. You're not a Stifler?
- Mr. Levenstein: Yeah, I'm Steve's brother, Matt.
- Mr. Levenstein: There are two Stiflers?
- Matt Stifler: Yes, sir. Hey, what are you doing here?
- Mr. Levenstein: Oh. Well, Jim is now out of the house, married to Michelle, that red headed nympho chick that you spoke of.
- Matt Stifler: What the fuck!
- Brandon's friend 1: Are you a rookie, you look lost?
- Matt Stifler: Are you an asshole, you're hairy and you smell like shit!
- Brandon Vandecamp: I see you 're not wearing you beanie, Stifler.
- Matt Stifler: Well, how about I take his beanie...
- [takes off Ernie's beanie]
- Matt Stifler: ...and put it on my weenie?