Skarecrow

I came across "Dark Harvest 3" (a.k.a. "Skarecrow" apparently) in the supermarket bargain bin and got suckered due to the cool DVD cover art and cheap price (thankfully it only cost me $3.99). I hadn't seen the previous 2 "Dark Harvest" movies but I figured, how much back story could there be in a movie series about killer scarecrows anyway? Thankfully (or perhaps not) it turns out that this flick doesn't have any connection to the prior "D.H." films anyway, it was just a quickie, ultra-low-budget indie horror flick that Lions Gate snapped up and attached the "Dark Harvest" name to it. Whether you want to call it "Skarecrow" or "Dark Harvest 3," the fact remains that the "film" is completely, utterly, unwatchable.

The film's opening flashback takes place in "The Tennessee Backwoods" circa 1921, where a gang of moonshiners have just killed an old woman and stolen her land for use in their criminal enterprise. Unfortunately this particular old woman happened to be a witch, and before dying she placed a curse on her property, which causes her scarecrow to come to life and dispatch the sleeping moonshiners with a variety of farming implements. Sounds fine so far, but unfortunately this sequence is so dark and grainy that it's damn near impossible to tell what's going on. If the photography in "Blair Witch Project" gave you a headache, expect this bit to cause an Instant Migraine. As soon as this introduction ended and the opening credits rolled, I knew I was in for a rough ride.

Flash forward to 1981, and a group of annoying twenty somethings (none of whom appear to like each other very much) are headed off to the woods on an annual camping outing. They plan to stay at a remote cabin in the middle of the woods (shades of "Evil Dead," though this film wishes it were one tenth as good as that classic) owned by the family of one of the gang. Upon arrival the group takes part in the usual slasher film activities for a while, i.e. getting drunk, having sex, and getting on each other's nerves, until one of the gals gets her head lopped off in mid-coitus by the evil scarecrow. Turns out the cabin is on the witch's former property and her guardian is still hangin' around protecting the place. Predictable, poorly shot, badly acted mayhem ensues.

Honestly, I wish I had something good to say about "Dark Harvest 3" but there really isn't one redeeming quality about it. The film looks cheap (shot on video perhaps?), the script sucks, and the performances are uniformly awful. Not ONCE will you get the feeling that these "actors" are paying attention to anything other than the cue cards that were doubtlessly being held off camera. (Just listen to the way one guy drones "Oh, baby...that feels so good" during a sex scene. Come on, if you can't even fake THAT convincingly, then there's no hope for you!) The characters spend so much time screaming and yelling at each other that I couldn't wait for the scarecrow to wipe them all out just so they'd shut the hell up. There are one or two decent gore bits but even those weren't enough to save this turkey.

Remember folks, I watch movies like these so YOU don't have to. "Dark Harvest 3"/"Skarecrow" was 90 excruciating minutes of my life that I'll never get back. If you come across this puppy in the bargain bin, treat it as if it's an explosive device and leave it on the shelf. Don't say I didn't warn you!

This is just about the WORST piece of garbage I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through. The story was embarrassingly amateurish, the graphics were horrible, and the acting... I've never seen worse acting in my entire life. A kindergarten class could come up with a scarier, better written, and more entertaining concept than this. I pity anyone who wastes their time on this film, as well as the actors who agreed to doing the job. It was obvious that they were not given appropriate direction. The writers must have spent their time at film school in the "back room" playing peaknuckle. A lot of professors wasted a lot of time on these two. I would be truly embarrassed to admit that I knew them.

I bought this movie on a whim because the cover looked good and thought I'd be seeing a legit horror movie. When I put this in and it looked like it was filmed on a VHS tape with "actors" who were comically reading their lines.

Literally, this has to be the most godawful piece of cinematic crap in history.

This movie makes Troll 2 seem like the Godfather in comparison.

It truly is amazing how every single thing about this movie is so perfectly bad. You couldn't make a movie this bad if you tried.

Stay away from this movie unless you are into some sort of self torture thing. I mean there are conceivably worse things you could do with your time, but its hard to imagine what that might be. If it comes down to watching this movie and being sodomized by a rabid goat, well, I might go with the goat.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow: 1 out of 10: In Einstein's theory of relativity time is of the perspective of the one that views time. (Or so I've heard) In other words this movie feels a lot longer that an hour and change. Even on fast-forward (And you will be reaching for that fast forward button) it clocks in somewhere around eternity.

If you are familiar with Lionsgate's own version of Project Greenlight (This is where they buy a home movie but a fancy cover on it and sneak it into the horror section of your local Wal-Mart) you will not be surprised by the complete and utter lack of entertainment value contained within.

The line reading (I refuse to call it acting) is uniformly awful. This is a collection of deadbeat dads and strippers pretending to be in a movie between cans of Schlitz. The camera work is drunken father shooting vacation film quality and while the special effects are okay the scariest effect is the breast augmentation scars in the nude scene.

The story is awful, the sets are from a haunted Halloween put on by ADHD middle school students and once again the line reading (remember this is not acting anymore than sinking to the bottom of a pool is swimming) is distracting beyond mere words. Avoid.

It used to be that video distributors like Sub Rosa and Brain Damage Films would release low-budget, shot-on-video horror films to a select market of gorehounds that ate them up with glee. That's acceptable to me, because you could see these movies from a mile away with their shoddy box art and cheesy titles.

Now we have Lions Gate getting into the mix, only they have decided that it'd be better to sucker in poor saps by putting a "professional" looking cover on it and charge the same price as one of their higher-budget, professionally made features. Do not be suckered in by this! Granted, if you've seen Dark Harvest 1 or 2 than you already know what to expect with 3 but there is a place for movies like this and it is not on a video store shelf beside professionally-made features.

I am a fan of independent cinema and have watched several low budget, shot-on-video productions that were still a worthy rental but this was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. The "acting" (if you can call it that) was abysmal. It was amusing to laugh at the horrible line reading for a minute or two, but eventually it was too much to take and became unbearable. The story is bad, the dialogue is worse, the acting somehow manages to be even worse. The only possible saving grace to this would be one disemboweling scene that still manages to be awful but is an award winning effect when compared to the blood splatters after a girl is slapped or the mannequin decapitation.

It took me three tries to make it through this entire movie and I only did so because I paid good money to rent it and felt like I should at least finish it all the way through. Stay away - stay far, far away from this one.