Ben Miles credited as playing...
Patrick Maitland
- Patrick: [on pants] Jeff?
- Jeff: Yeah?
- Patrick: [dead serious] They spread.
- Jeff: What?
- Patrick: Pants. They spread, and grow.
- Steve: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.
- Patrick: You start off with that sexy little thong...
- Steve: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.
- Jeff: [scared] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.
- Steve: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover *Switzerland*, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking,
- [high-pitched]
- Steve: 'Where are you going?' Every time! 'Where are you going?' She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is *covered* in shoes.
- [gets up and picks up a shoe]
- Steve: Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting
- [screeching]
- Steve: 'WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?'
- [Jeff and Patrick stare at him]
- Steve: Uh... , S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.
- [sits back down]
- Steve Taylor: There are three things all men should know, and it's time you did too. You're never going to be famous, you're fatter than you think, and, most important of all, they don't keep wearing stockings.
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: Julia always wears stockings. No, really! She's always worn them. She always will. She told me.
- [Steve and Patrick chuckle]
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: In fact, Julia told me she...
- Steve Taylor, Patrick Maitland: [finishing with him] ... prefers wearing stockings.
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: What?
- Steve Taylor: Stockings aren't real, Jeff. They're a myth.
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: Stockings are real. I've seen 'em.
- Steve Taylor: Oh, sure there are SOME stockings out there, but... there's... what? Ten pairs in the whole world?
- Patrick Maitland: Ten, at most.
- Steve Taylor: Ten pairs for all the women in the world. They share 'em out.
- [Speaking in a woman's voice]
- Steve Taylor: Oh, Julia! Y'got a new boyfriend? Your turn with the stockings then, but we'll need them back on Tuesday. There's an anniversary in New Zealand.
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: Tuesday?
- Steve Taylor: The stockings will go, Jeff. They'll just melt away.
- Patrick Maitland: Ok. Julia's pants. Really small?
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: Yeah, tiny. Really tiny.
- Steve Taylor: Somewhere between wispy and a trick of the light?
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go. Trust me.
- Patrick Maitland: Great, aren't they?
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: Yeah, they're not like real pants, they're like the ghost of pants.
- Patrick Maitland: Jeff?
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: Yeah?
- Patrick Maitland: They spread.
- Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock: What?
- Patrick Maitland: Pants, they spread and grow.
- Steve Taylor: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.
- Patrick Maitland: You start off with a sexy little thong...
- Steve Taylor: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent size trampoline.