Ben Miles credited as playing...
Patrick Maitland
- Steve: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?
- Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
- Steve: [snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her *huskily* "baby".
- Jeff: You never called her baby before.
- Steve: You've never called anyone baby before.
- Jeff: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly you're starting to blush
- Steve: Now, you're blushing *and* you've got and erection. No-one's got enough blood!
- Jeff: The engines cut. They can't take it.
- Steve: Then the melty man hits you with his secret weapon.
- Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
- Steve: Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!
- Jeff: [hand goes down] Pufff.
- Patrick: [with terror and disblief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
- Steve: ["duh!" voice] We don't.
- Jeff: I haven't had sex in years.
- Steve: It's just not possible anymore.
- Jeff: We are followers of the melty man.
- Steve: And you're one of us now.
- Sally: [trying to figure out why Patrick was unable to 'perform'] Do you find me physically attractive?
- Patrick: Yes, you look great. You've got a great body.
- Sally: So what is it? My feet? My taste in hats, what?
- Patrick: There's nothing I don't like. What's wrong with you!
- Sally: Nothing, apparently! My great personality is inside my great body. So why aren't you?
- Patrick: If I don't like a woman, if there's no chemistry, if I'm not attracted to her, then I don't lead her on. I just get out of there. Every time. Before she even wakes up.
- Patrick: Sally, there are some words you just don't say to a man. They're too technical, like commitment or cervix.