Teri Hatcher credited as playing...
Susan Mayer
- Susan Mayer: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch.
- Gabrielle Solis: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
- Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.
- Julie Mayer: Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
- Susan Mayer: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.
- Julie Mayer: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
- Susan Mayer: Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.
- Julie Mayer: Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?
- Susan Mayer: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.
- Susan Mayer: I have a clog.
- Mike Delfino: Excuse me?
- Susan Mayer: And you're a plumber, right?
- Mike Delfino: Yeah.
- Susan Mayer: The clog's in the pipe.
- Mike Delfino: Yeah, that's usually where they are.
- Susan Mayer: I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.
- Mary Alice: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are.
- Susan Mayer: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
- Mike Delfino: Why?
- Susan Mayer: I made it, trust me.
- [Mike prepares to take a bite]
- Susan Mayer: Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
- Mike Delfino: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
- [Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling]
- Mike Delfino: Oh my God.
- [makes a face]
- Mike Delfino: How did you... it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.
- Susan Mayer: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
- [Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue]
- Julie Mayer: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?
- [Susan's pen halts stroke and stops what she is doing. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed]
- Julie Mayer: Are you mad that I asked you that?
- Susan Mayer: No, I'm just trying to remember.
- [Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing]
- Susan Mayer: I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.
- Susan Mayer: How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?
- Julie Mayer: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.
- Susan Mayer: You're right.
- [stalling]
- Susan Mayer: So, is that your project for school? You know when I was in fifth grade I made the White House out of sugar cubes.
- Julie Mayer: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.
- Susan Mayer: [gapes at Julie] Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?
- Julie Mayer: You were using me to hurt Dad.
- Susan Mayer: Oh, that's right. Oh, God.
- Susan Mayer: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!
- Julie Mayer: You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.
- [Susan gives her a look]
- Julie Mayer: You're right. They're doing it.
- Gabrielle Solis: If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives fifty feet away for God's sakes.
- Susan Mayer: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on.
- Mike Delfino: I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door.
- Susan Mayer: Susan Mayer. I live across the street.