Dick Van Dyke credited as playing...
Rob Petrie
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, Ritchie, when you cheat to win, that's naughty, but when you cheat to lose... it's ridiculous.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: This is my magic deck.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, magic is right. You just made your friends disappear.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Why would I use marked cards to win ten dollars?
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, it's easier than sticking up a live chicken market.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm gonna go put on my lucky slippers.
- Buddy Sorrell: What're gonna do, shuffle the cards with your toes?
- [Rob's been on a two-hour winning streak]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [while rapping against the table] Gimme those deuces, and gimme those treys. Gimme those aces - that's the way I plays. Just put your money right in the pot. I'll take it home, and thanks a lot.
- Sally Rogers: Hey, uh, what was going on? Who was that?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, his name is Lou Gregory and he's a very ungracious man. Hi, Sally.
- Sally Rogers: Oh.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A little suspicious, too. Hi Sal.
- Sally Rogers: Oh.
- Jerry Helper: Well, you can't blame him. He used to be an assistant district attorney. Hi, Sal.
- Sally Rogers: Hi, Jer. Well, what was he doing here?
- Millie Helper: He's a patient of Jerry's and we invited him over for a nice, frienly evening. Hi, Sal.
- Lou Gregory: [angry that he lost a good hand to Rob] Why, that's pure luck!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [gloating in a southern accent] Why, sir, down in ole Mississippi we call that "know-how."
- Laura Petrie: Will you stop gloating?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [still in his accent] All I said was "know-how." You know what means, don't cha? That means that you folks ain't got no chance... no how.