Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Tom Tucker • Vern • Doctor on TV • Picnic Judge • Gnome #2 • Pawtucket Mill CEO • Isaac • Police Officer • Co-Worker #1 • Golf Competitor • Jesus Christ • Pope's Assistant #1 • Pope Manager • Sheriff
- Peter Griffin: Dad, my God, are you okay?
- Francis Griffin: [Francis slaps Peter in the face] Don't be using the Lord's name in vain.
- Peter Griffin: He's okay, thank God.
- [Francis slaps Peter again]
- Francis Griffin: I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!
- Chris Griffin: God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.
- The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's Boston. See, look, there's Harvard.
- The Pope: That's just a barn.
- Peter Griffin: Ooh, someone went to Yale.
- [Peter is trying to figure out how to earn his father's respect when he sees a news report of the Pope visiting Quahog]
- Peter Griffin: I just got a crazy idea.
- [putting a waffle iron on the table, he sticks his hand into it and closes the lid]
- Peter Griffin: AHHHH!
- The Pope: [after meeting Francis] I've never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint.
- Peter Griffin: Well, he's my dad. I just want him to love me.
- Francis Griffin: Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart.
- Peter Griffin: [he gestures for the band to play the sentimental tune] You do?
- Francis Griffin: Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you.
- Peter Griffin: [the band stops] No, keep playing, you guys. I think this is as good as it's gonna get.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, are you all right? Where's your father?
- Peter Griffin: Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel.
- Lois Griffin: A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?
- Peter Griffin: Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me... me and dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best...
- [as he falls asleep, his head falls forward, the fork in his hand sticking into his forehead]
- Francis Griffin: [at his retirement party] At mass this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who have forced a hardworking old man to retire. So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.
- Stewie Griffin: I adore this man!
- Peter Griffin: Hey, that was some speech, dad.
- Lois Griffin: Yes, it's a shame grandma wasn't there to hear it.
- Francis Griffin: Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.
- Mrs. Griffin: [cut to a Vegas casino] Hit me, you five-card stud.
- [hacking cough]
- Mrs. Griffin: Cocktail!
- Francis Griffin: [return to the car] Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.
- Lois Griffin: [uneasy laugh] Oh, Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car.
- Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're coming to stay with us. No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down.
- [he steps on the brake pedal; Brian flies forward and hits the dashboard]
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian, buckle up.
- Lois Griffin: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
- Peter Griffin: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.
- Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
- Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, the City of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope.
- Tom Tucker: That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined: this cock.
- [holding up a rooster]
- Tom Tucker: Yes, the Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free checkups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. Don't know why they went with such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster".
- Stewie Griffin: [reading the Bible] My, my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2x4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
- Chris Griffin: [groaning] Please don't say "poo".
- Peter Griffin: Tomorrow night, they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him.
- Meg Griffin: Why? We barely know him.
- Chris Griffin: Yeah, how come he never visits us?
- Lois Griffin: Well, kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic.
- [flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding; a sign on their car reads "Just Married", and taped underneath is another sign reading "To a Protestant whore"]
- Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!
- Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
- Peter Griffin: Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?
- Stewie Griffin: You know, I rather like this God fellow, very theatrical, you know. A pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that, hmmm?
- Peter Griffin: [in hell] Oh, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth ... hey, what are you doing here?
- Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.