Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin • Gorgeous Woman

I Never Met the Dead Man

Lois Griffin • Gorgeous Woman

Lois Griffin: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Lois Griffin: [Stewie is refusing to eat his broccoli] My, aren't we fussy tonight? Okay, no broccoli.
Stewie Griffin: Very well, then. Like...
[Lois forcefully sticks a forkful of broccoli into his mouth]
Stewie Griffin: [spitting the broccoli out] Who the hell do you think you are?

Peter Griffin: Come on, everyone. We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they come get you.
Chris Griffin: But, Dad, the TV's back on.
Peter Griffin: Huh, what do you know? Okay, let's go.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together?
Peter Griffin: Why? We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go.
Chris Griffin: I'm sick of life.
Brian Griffin: [massaging his back paws to soothe the pain] Yeah, my... my dogs are barking.
Peter Griffin: But I thought we were having fun.
Meg Griffin: We were. But now it might be nice to watch other people have fun or get killed. You know, whatever's on.
Lois Griffin: [indicating "Star Trek" is on] Look, Peter, it's your favorite show.
Kirk: All right, men. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.
Ension Ricky: [wearing a red shirt] Aw, crap.

Lois Griffin: Come on, Stewie. You know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie Griffin: Well, then, I shall sit here until one of us expires. And you've got a good 40 years on me, woman!

Lois Griffin: What is wrong with you people? O-Okay, yes, my husband is responsible for knocking out TV. But we should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us. I mean, now we can see the world what it is, a beautiful place full of wonderful things just waiting to be experienced.
Peter Griffin: Aw, jeez, another chick flick.

Lois Griffin: Oh, look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his "Sesame Street" phone?
Stewie Griffin: Put me through to the Pentagon.
Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie Griffin: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda? Well, it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
Ernie: Can you count to three?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, indeed, I can.
[taking out a blaster and shooting the phone]
Stewie Griffin: One! Two! Three!
[laughing scoff]
Stewie Griffin: Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

Lois Griffin: Oh, come on, Peter. Don't you miss TV just a little? The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment?
William Shatner: [coming through the front door] Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down while I was on my way to give a speech about how TV keeps families together. Say, would you like to hear it?
Peter Griffin: No, no, no, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar.
William Shatner: Wait a minute! I love schnitzel.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well, come on along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen.
William Shatner: [moving to Lois, his toupee remains hanging in midair] I'll change in the car.

Lois Griffin: Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night, I woke up and he was channel-surfing through static.
Brian Griffin: Oh, I'm sure he'll find a way to cope.
Peter Griffin: [coming in with a cardboard TV screen strapped to himself] Morning, Lois.
Brian Griffin: Huh. And you were worried.
Lois Griffin: Peter, what the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: It's my favorite TV family, the Griffins.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality.
Peter Griffin: Boring. I'll go see what else is on.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
[to Brian as she follows him out]
Lois Griffin: Keep an eye on Stewie.
Brian Griffin: Don't move.
Stewie Griffin: [in his high chair, he makes various funny gestures, ultimately falling over] A little help?

Meg Griffin: Guess what, Mom? Dad crashed the car into the city cable transmitter.
Lois Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: Oh, it's okay. If I take the blame, he's gonna buy me a convertible when I get my license.
Peter Griffin: Uh, M-Meg, it-it's not exactly taking the blame if you go around telling everyone.

Meg Griffin: Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?
Lois Griffin: I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.
Peter Griffin: Ah, sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you, but Daddy also loves "Star Trek", and in all fairness, "Star Trek" was here first.
Kirk: [with exaggerated body movements] Captain's log, stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead warp 9.
[his pants rip, revealing "captain's log" on his underwear]
Lois Griffin: For God's sake, Peter. You've been sitting in front of the TV since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family?
Peter Griffin: I will, I'm just gonna do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well, then... then maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials.

Lois Griffin: [teaching Meg to drive while it's raining] This is not safe. I'll teach you how to drive some other time. Pull over.
Meg Griffin: Mom, I can't even tell where "over" is.