Lacey Chabert: Meg Griffin

I Never Met the Dead Man

Meg Griffin

Meg Griffin: [failing her driver's test] Oh, God, my life is over. I am the biggest loser I know!
Peter Griffin: Oh, I know just how you feel, pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, too.
Doctor: [cut to a hospital room, where Lois gives birth] It's a girl!
Peter Griffin: [with various bits of sports equipment] C-can you... can you check again?

Peter Griffin: Come on, everyone. We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they come get you.
Chris Griffin: But, Dad, the TV's back on.
Peter Griffin: Huh, what do you know? Okay, let's go.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together?
Peter Griffin: Why? We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go.
Chris Griffin: I'm sick of life.
Brian Griffin: [massaging his back paws to soothe the pain] Yeah, my... my dogs are barking.
Peter Griffin: But I thought we were having fun.
Meg Griffin: We were. But now it might be nice to watch other people have fun or get killed. You know, whatever's on.
Lois Griffin: [indicating "Star Trek" is on] Look, Peter, it's your favorite show.
Kirk: All right, men. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.
Ension Ricky: [wearing a red shirt] Aw, crap.

Peter Griffin: Now, you always wanna be aware of other cars on the road. And if you ever catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him.
[an Amish man on a horse-drawn cart pulls up next to them and tips his cap]
Peter Griffin: Oh, this guy's asking for it.
Meg Griffin: But, Dad...
Peter Griffin: Ah, I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice.
Meg Griffin: Okay.
[she does, and the horse neighs twice in response]
Peter Griffin: [the light turns green] Go.
[she and the cart keep relative pace with each other until the cart loses a wheel and sails off a cliff, where it and the horse explode]
Peter Griffin: Well, you forgot to flip him off, but, uh, other than that, nice job.

Peter Griffin: [in line at the DMV] Ah, this is taking forever. Come on, Meg, let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast animals, slow children.
[cut to a TV tuned to a big cat chasing something]
Fat Kid: [hiking] Come on, guys, wait up.
[cut to the cat and back]
Fat Kid: [spilling the contents of his lunchbox] Oh, dang. I got honey all over my legs.
Meg Griffin: Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married, and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter Griffin: Meg, are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

Peter Griffin: Oh, I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called "Taking the fall for Daddy." If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg Griffin: Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again.
Peter Griffin: Aw, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

DMV Tester: All right, let's start by going down Main Street.
Meg Griffin: Okay.
[a cop pulls up next to them and tips his cap; remembering what Peter taught her, she revs the engine and races forward at the green light]
DMV Tester: [panicked] What are you doing?
Meg Griffin: I'm driving. Duh.
[the cop cuts them off, forcing her to stop]
Meg Griffin: Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?

Meg Griffin: I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know this isn't the first time I've embarrassed you.
[cut to Meg in class at school; he bursts in wearing just a towel]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.

Meg Griffin: Guess what, Mom? Dad crashed the car into the city cable transmitter.
Lois Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: Oh, it's okay. If I take the blame, he's gonna buy me a convertible when I get my license.
Peter Griffin: Uh, M-Meg, it-it's not exactly taking the blame if you go around telling everyone.

Meg Griffin: Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?
Lois Griffin: I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.
Peter Griffin: Ah, sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you, but Daddy also loves "Star Trek", and in all fairness, "Star Trek" was here first.
Kirk: [with exaggerated body movements] Captain's log, stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead warp 9.
[his pants rip, revealing "captain's log" on his underwear]
Lois Griffin: For God's sake, Peter. You've been sitting in front of the TV since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family?
Peter Griffin: I will, I'm just gonna do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well, then... then maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials.

Meg Griffin: [while learning to drive, she accidentally hits Peter and William Shatner] Oh, my God. I hit William Shatner.
William Shatner: Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.
[his shirt bursts open and his beer belly spills out]
Ension Ricky: Ooh, I did not see that coming.

Lois Griffin: [teaching Meg to drive while it's raining] This is not safe. I'll teach you how to drive some other time. Pull over.
Meg Griffin: Mom, I can't even tell where "over" is.

Peter Griffin: Guys, your mother was right. It'd be a crime to just sit around and wait for the TV to start working.
Meg Griffin: Great, you can teach me how to drive.
Peter Griffin: Meg, there'll be plenty of time to drive when you're dead.