Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Glenn Quagmire • Announcer • Bicuspid • Boy • Charlie • Elderly Naked Priest • Ernie • Faun • Guy #2 • Incisor • Man • Parent #2 • Spy
- Peter Griffin: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together!
- Announcer: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H.
- Bert: [Bert and Ernie are spooning in bed together when the phone rings] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
- [Hangs up, puts on a pair of dirty jeans and takes a swig of liquor]
- Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
- Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
- Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
- Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
- Boy: Hey, you hit my mom!
- Peter Griffin: No, I hit your dad.
- Bystander: Whoa, stand back, give her some air.
- Peter Griffin: You mean... give him some air.
- Woman: Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
- Peter Griffin: Y-you mean he's going into labor.
- [a baby starts crying offscreen]
- Peter Griffin: Whoops.
- Peter Griffin: So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
- The Pawtucket Patriot: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
- Cleveland Brown: Oh, that's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night.
- [Cutaway to the bar]
- Peter Griffin: Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Oh, oh, wait a second...
- [to his right, there are Jewish people, and to his left, Chinese people]
- Peter Griffin: Okay, a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, and there's this naked priest sitting there, and he- ooh, sorry, Father.
- Naked Priest: No, I've heard 'em all.
- Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, listen pal!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding melons.
- [She is shown holding two watermelons in front of her chest]
- Peter Griffin: Oh.
- Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
- Peter Griffin: Now hang on a second there!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
- [She has two owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry.
- Man: No problem. Your wife's hot!
- Peter Griffin: All right that's it!
- Man: [ogling Lois] She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she?
- Peter Griffin: Are you a woman?
- Man: No.
- [Peter punches him]
- [while Peter is changing Stewie]
- Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
- The Pawtucket Patriot: Come Hither and Give Heed.
- Peter Griffin: Woah, woah, woah. I don't swing that way pal!
- Stewie: [after Peter rubs a finger of whiskey in his mouth] Stop! Good gawd, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.
- Peter Griffin: Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?
- Lois Griffin: This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
- [grunts]