Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Glenn Quagmire • Tom Tucker • Carter Pewterschmidt • God • Captain Seamus • Cookie Monster • Serf
- Meg Griffin: Dad, how could you be okay with mom parading herself around like this? I'm mean she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
- Peter Griffin: Meg, who let you back in the house?
- Stewie Griffin: [in an office in Stewie's Bedroom] Uh, Brian, that coffee mug that you have that says, "Life's a beach"... that's dangerously close to the word "bitch", isn't it?
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's the joke.
- Stewie Griffin: Yes - and believe me. no one appreciates a good joke like Stewie - but, someof the other employees have found it offensive.
- Brian Griffin: Other employees? Who else works here?
- Stewie Griffin: [bleep] you! That's who else works here!
- Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
- Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning!
- Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?
- Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
- Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah!
- Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!
- Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and, let's just say, you're cleared for landing! Huh?
- Glen Quagmire: [in the distance] *giggity!*
- Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
- Chris Griffin: Me, too.
- Meg Griffin: Me, too.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
- Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
- Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
- Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
- [Meg runs out]
- Glen Quagmire: [after lighting a cigarette] So what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing?
- Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
- Serf: What you got there, m'lord?
- Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!
- Carter Pewterschmidt: [while in a Rigatta, Carter has a yaght, and the Griffans have a tub with a sail]
- [shouts]
- Carter Pewterschmidt: LOSER!
- Peter Griffin: What did he say?
- Carter Pewterschmidt: [throws a cell phone at the Griffins]
- [Cell phone rings, and Peter picks it up]
- Carter Pewterschmidt: I said you're a loser!
- Peter Griffin: Who is this?
- Peter Griffin: Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
- Peter Griffin: What? Are you sure you, you, you, you don't want more seamen on, on, on your poop deck?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
- Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty!
- Peter Griffin: Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt!
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter! I see you're still fatter than holy hell.
- Peter Griffin: Aw, you can read me like a book.
- [laughs]
- Stewie Griffin: [to the Pewterschmidts' Latin American maid] So which of the Latin countries are you from? The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine, or the one with the fancy hats?
- Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing, eh?
- Glen Quagmire: [From a distance] GIGGITY!
- Peter Griffin: [shouting out the window] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
- Joe Swanson: *Peter*! Shut up! It's three in the morning!
- Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there?
- Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
- Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, she's a woman. I'm proud of her. Yay!
- Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning but right now I'm exhausted.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
- Peter Griffin: What? You mean you don't want more sea men on your poop deck?
- Brian Griffin: Come on, Stewie, let's go.
- Stewie Griffin: [going through envelopes] Yes, yes, I'm just checking the mail. I say, here's one from the vet.
- Brian Griffin: [trying in vain to catch the letter from Stewie's hands] Give me that!
- Stewie Griffin: [after reading the letter] Good Lord! Worms? You have worms?
- Brian Griffin: I don't have worms, allright? I just got checked for worms.
- [reading himself the letter]
- Brian Griffin: Oh, wait, no, I do have worms. Oh God! Oh, wh - - what am I gonna do? I can't afford the medication for this.
- Stewie Griffin: Well, you could ask Lois and the fat one.
- Brian Griffin: No! No! No... you... you cannot tell them about this, please. Peter is not very discreet for private matters.
- [...]
- Brian Griffin: Just please, don't tell them
- Stewie Griffin: You know? Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride and little more about the creepy-crawlies Shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot
- Peter Griffin: Hey, who's putting together a puzzle? 'Cause I just found a hot piece.
- [giggles]
- Glen Quagmire: Wow. Lois, you look great. I'd like to split you in half like a piece of lumber.
- Lois Griffin: [chuckles] Oh, thank you, Glenn.
- Joe Swanson: Yeah, Lois. I'd like to wear you like a hockey mask.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, you guys!