Lori Alan credited as playing...
Diane Simmons
- Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I. Tom?
- Tom Tucker: Thanks, Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
- Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case.
- Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news: we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
- Peter Griffin: Okay, let's run this scene again. Now, remember, Diane, you're playing Anna; a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life.
- Diane Simmons: Um, where does it say that?
- Peter Griffin: [pointing to his head] In my noodle. Okay, places. And action.
- [Diane dances to '80s dance music, a la "Flashdance"]
- Peter Griffin: Stop. All wrong. All wrong. God, send me dancers.
- Diane Simmons: We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted.
- Peter Griffin: Well, I'm sorry, but we open the show in three hours and I don't think we're ready.
- Diane Simmons: Of course we're not. You keep changing everything.
- Peter Griffin: You bet I do. Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her.
- Diane Simmons: I can't work this way. I quit!
- Peter Griffin: Fine.
- Joe Swanson: We can't do "The King and I" without Anna.
- Glenn Quagmire: Yeah, this is a real snafu.
- Peter Griffin: We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of Black oppression.
- Loretta Brown: Oh, thank you, Peter. I'll do it.
- Peter Griffin: Get over yourself. I was talking about me.
- Lois Griffin: Let's start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king.
- Diane Simmons: Oh, are you playing Lady Thiang?
- Loretta Brown: Mm-hmm. I was supposed to be Anna.
- Diane Simmons: Oh. Well, they did an all-you-people version of "Hello, Dolly!" that was very successful.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, wow, Diane Simmons!
- Diane Simmons: You don't look anything like the ad. You'd better be huge.
- Peter Griffin: No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin Presents 'The King and I'", a Peter Griffin production. And I'm giving you the exclusive story.
- Diane Simmons: Look, pal, some two-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you and why should I give a damn?
- Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons!
- Lois Griffin: Okay, let's go from the start of scene seven. Action.
- Loretta Brown: "Oh, Missus Anna, the king needs you. You must go to him."
- Diane Simmons: "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him."
- Peter Griffin: Cut! All wrong. No good.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful.
- Loretta Brown: [quietly] My ass.
- Lois Griffin: Besides, I'm the director.
- Peter Griffin: I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mean... I mean, Anna and Ms. Thing both love the king, right? Well, on Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these two women bitch-slapped each other. Crowd went nuts. Loretta, w-why don't you try slapping Diane?
- Loretta Brown: I think I can do that.
- Lois Griffin: Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV.
- Diane Simmons: I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows.
- Lois Griffin: I don't know.
- Peter Griffin: I thought you wanted to do a good show. Well, if you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do "Rent"?
- Lois Griffin: [reluctantly] I guess we can try the...
- Loretta Brown: [slapping Diane] Action!
- Lois Griffin: What's going on?
- Peter Griffin: Oh, we're just having a little powwow to discuss my latest changes.
- Lois Griffin: *What* changes?
- Peter Griffin: The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children.
- [spookily]
- Peter Griffin: They're ALIENS!
- Glenn Quagmire: Ha! Hey, that's great, Peter.
- Joe Swanson: Right on the money.
- Diane Simmons: Isn't he brilliant?
- Lois Griffin: No! He's not brilliant! Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant, and I want to do the show *they* wrote. We're not making any more changes!
- Meg Griffin: [running in with Chris] We sold out!
- Chris Griffin: Yeah, the whole town's talking about your show, dad.
- Lois Griffin: [cheers from the others] *Your* show? Peter, this is *my* show!
- Peter Griffin: What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out and we did.
- Lois Griffin: I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful and you've completely destroyed that. You wanna be the director? Fine. I quit.
- Peter Griffin: Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except... I'm the king of the worl...
- [falling off the stage]
- Peter Griffin: Ow!
- Peter Griffin: Stop! All wrong, all wrong! God, send me dancers.
- Diane Simmons: We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted!
- Peter Griffin: Well, I'm sorry, but we open the show in three hours and I don't think we're ready!
- Diane Simmons: Of course we're not. You keep changing everything!
- Peter Griffin: You bet I do, because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs. And you're not man enough to satisfy her.