John Cleese credited as playing...
Basil Fawlty
- Mr. Hutchinson: Now listen, there's a documentary on BBC2 this evening about "Squawking Bird", the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8:45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
- Basil Fawlty: I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
- Mr. Hutchinson: Indeed I am. Yes, now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
- Basil Fawlty: Why don't you talk properly?
- Mr. Hutchinson: Yeah, well, I thought it said Boff.
- Basil Fawlty: Of course.
- Mr. Hutchinson: Yes, and I thought that Boff was a locale, you see, a name of a district, you see, 'cause that 'P' looks like a 'B.'
- Basil Fawlty: No, it doesn't.
- Mr. Hutchinson: Yes, it does. The little loop on the bottom of it...
- Basil Fawlty: [snatching the diagram and showing it to Walt] Excuse me - would you say that was a 'P' or a 'B'?
- Mr. Walt: Er...
- Basil Fawlty: There, does it say Boff or does it say Poff?
- Mr. Walt: Well, I...
- Basil Fawlty: There, there! It's a 'P', isn't it?
- Mr. Walt: [unwillingly] I suppose so.
- Basil Fawlty: P. Off.
- Mr. Walt: I beg your pardon?
- Basil Fawlty: P off! not B. off. Whoever heard of a Bost office?
- [Basil, after finding out about Mr. Hutchinson's real job]
- Basil Fawlty: [softly] Spoons, hey?
- Mr. Hutchinson: What?
- Basil Fawlty: SSPTHOONS!
- [being moved to another table a second time]
- Mr. Walt: Look, I did ask the waiter!
- Basil Fawlty: Well, he's hopeless, isn't he? Might as well ask the cat.
- Basil Fawlty: I mean, where are the pens? I mean, what... Would you believe it! I mean, there are no pens here. I mean, this is supposed to be a hotel.
- [sybil shakes a box]
- Basil Fawlty: Well, what are they doing in there?
- Sybil Fawlty: I put them there.
- Basil Fawlty: Why?
- Sybil Fawlty: Just sign there, Mr. Walt. Because you're always losing them, Basil.
- Basil Fawlty: I am NOT always losing them. People TAKE them.
- Sybil Fawlty: Well, they don't take them from me.
- Basil Fawlty: They wouldn't dare. Well, I'm sorry I didn't guess that you'd suddenly done that after twelve years, dear. I'm afraid my psychic powers must be a little bit below par this morning. There we are.
- Sybil Fawlty: Don't be silly, Basil. It's written there quite clearly on the top of the box.
- Basil Fawlty: Pens? It looks more like "Bens" to me.
- Sybil Fawlty: Well, WHEN Ben comes, you can give it to him.
- Basil Fawlty: Manuel.
- Manuel: Ah, si?
- Basil Fawlty: The bottle.
- Manuel: Uh... yes.
- Basil Fawlty: Where is it?
- Manuel: Qué?
- Basil Fawlty: Donde es...
- Manuel: Oh, I take it. I take it, I take it.
- Basil Fawlty: Come here.
- Manuel: Qué.
- Basil Fawlty: You're a waste of space.
- [Basil thwacks him on the forehead with a spoon]
- Sybil Fawlty: Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
- Basil Fawlty: Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Hmm? Not enough cream in your eclair? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?
- Basil Fawlty: Can we get you something else, Mr. Hutchinson? A tea cosy for your pepper pot, perhaps?
- Basil Fawlty: [talking to Sybil about some of the undesirable guests] Look, if you think I'm going to fawn to some of the yobbos we get in here...
- Basil Fawlty: [after enough of Mr. Hutchinson complaining] You want to run the place?
- Mr. Hutchinson: No, no, I...
- Basil Fawlty: Right, well, shut up then.
- Mr. Hutchinson: I beg your pardon?
- Basil Fawlty: It's always a pleasure to find someone who appreciates the boudoir of the grape. I'm afraid most of the people we get in here don't know a Bordeaux from a claret.
- Mr. Walt: A bordeaux *is* a claret.
- Basil Fawlty: What? Oh, *Bordeaux* is a claret, yes, but they wouldn't know that.
- Mr. Hutchinson: [looking at a map drawn by Basil] I don't quite understand this, where is the post office?
- Basil Fawlty: It's there where it says "post office". I'm sorry if it's confusing.
- Basil Fawlty: I suppose talking to Audrey for half an hour helps business, does it?
- Sybil Fawlty: It was about business for your information. Audrey has some news that may interest you.
- Basil Fawlty: [sarcastically] Oh, really - this'll be good. Let me guess... The Mayor wears a toupée? Somebody's got nail varnish on their cat? Am I getting warm?
- Basil Fawlty: I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got a smidgen of cooperation from you.
- Sybil Fawlty: Cooperation? That's a laugh. The day you cooperate you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.
- Mr. Hutchinson: And, if anybody wants me, I'll be in the lounge.
- Basil Fawlty: If anybody wants you?
- Mr. Hutchinson: I'll be in the lounge.
- Basil Fawlty: Anyone in particular? I mean, Henry Kissinger? Or just anyone with a big net?