John Cleese credited as playing...
Basil Fawlty
- Miss Abitha Tibbs: Oh, you're very cheerful this morning, Mr. Fawlty.
- Basil Fawlty: Yes, well, one of the guests has just died.
- Dr. Price: I don't understand. He's been dead for about ten hours.
- Basil Fawlty: Yes, it's so final, isn't it?
- Sybil Fawlty: Basil!
- Basil Fawlty: Well, wouldn't you say it was final, dear? I'd say it was pretty bloody final.
- Dr. Price: Do you mean to tell me you didn't realize this man was dead?
- Basil Fawlty: You know, people don't talk that much in the morning... Oh, look, I'm just delivering a tray, right? If the guest isn't singing "Oh What A Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think, "Oh there's another snuffed it in the night, another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma Railway.
- Sybil Fawlty: Basil.
- Basil Fawlty: Well, I mean, it does actually say "Hotel" outside. You know, perhaps I should be more specific: "Hotel for people who have a better than fifty percent chance of making it through the night."
- Major Gowen: Why, I say... I say, Fawlty, he doesn't look, uh... he doesn't look quite the ticket.
- Basil Fawlty: Well, Major, um, don't say anything to anybody, but he's dead.
- Major Gowen: Ah! Shot, was he?
- Basil Fawlty: No, no. No, no. Died in his sleep.
- Major Gowen: In his sleep? Ah, well. You're off your guard, you see!
- Miss Agatha Tibbs: Murder! Murder!
- [In trying to quiet Miss Tibbs, Polly knocks her unconscious]
- Basil Fawlty: Oh, spiffing. Absolutely spiffing. Well done. Two dead, twenty-five to go.
- Basil Fawlty: Are you listening to me? Hello, can... Hello, can anybody hear me? Have I ceased to exist? Have I suddenly become invisible? Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, can you see me?
- Sybil Fawlty: No.
- Basil Fawlty: Oh, good. Well, I'll go and lie down then. No, I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.
- Sybil Fawlty: [finding Mr. Leeman's corpse seated in the office chair] Well, what'd you put him THERE for?
- Basil Fawlty: Well, he wouldn't fit in the safe and all the drawers were full.
- Mrs. Chase: [Manuel is checking the window for a draft that is disturbing Mrs. Chase's dog] We have to be very careful, Mr. Fawlty. He's not very strong.
- Basil Fawlty: Indeed, yes. A rapid movement of air could damage him irreparably! If, um, if only one could keep him in air-tight containers.
- Major Gowen: He wouldn't be able to breathe then, would he, Fawlty?
- Basil Fawlty: Well, he could try, Major. He could try.
- [Mr. Leeman asks for breakfast in bed in the morning; Sybil takes a detailed note of what he'd like to have, but Basil, who doesn't like this special request, can't leave it alone]
- Basil Fawlty: Rosewood... mahogany... teak?
- Mr. Leeman: I beg your pardon.
- Basil Fawlty: What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
- Mr. Leeman: I don't really mind.
- Basil Fawlty: Are you sure? Fine. Well, you just go down and have a really good night's sleep then. I'm hoping to get a couple of hours later on myself. I'll be up in time to serve you your breakfast in bed. If you could remember to sleep with your mouth open, you won't even have to wake up. I'll just drop in small pieces of lightly buttered kipper when you're breathing in the right direction, if THAT doesn't put you out.
- Miss Ursula Tibbs: [Referring to Mr. Leeman] He's dead!
- Basil Fawlty: Yes, it's her husband. She hasn't got over it. Died thirty years ago.
- [Basil takes breakfast into a guest's bedroom, while ranting about the British Leyland car workers who have gone on strike - yet again. Sitting up in bed, with his head slumped on his chest, is a guest who has died during the night]
- Basil Fawlty: Another car strike. Marvellous, isn't it? The taxpayers pay them millions each year so they can go on strike. It's called socialism. If they don't like making cars, why don't they get themselves another bloody job - designing cathedrals or composing violin concertos. That's it! The British Leyland Concerto - in four movements, all of them slow, with a four-hour tea-break in between.
- Basil Fawlty: [after another tirade] What? What are you all looking at me for?
- Sybil Fawlty: [gently pulling him to the side] Basil... there's a kipper sticking out of your jumper.
- Dr. Price: [Mr. Leeman's cadaver has been put in the kitchen] You can't keep a dead body in here where there's food!
- Basil Fawlty: Can't we?
- Basil Fawlty: Good night!
- [Mr. Leeman doesn't answer]
- Basil Fawlty: I said, "Good night!"
- Mr. Leeman: Oh, good night!
- Basil Fawlty: Didn't hurt, did it?
- Dr. Price: Wash your hands first, please.
- Basil Fawlty: Oh, right.
- Dr. Price: And make sure this area is scrubbed before any more food is prepared in here.
- Basil Fawlty: Absolutely.
- Dr. Price: Sausages excepted. You may cook them immediately. I'll take the risk.
- Basil Fawlty: You all deserve an explanation and I'm happy to say that my wife will give it to you. Thank you.
- [hides in the laundry basket when all the guests turn to Sybil]
- Basil Fawlty: Now, I've warned you about this before. You can hide in your own cupboard but not in other people's! I'm sorry about this, you can't really blame her. She doesn't have much in her life. She has to make her own entertainment.
- Basil Fawlty: He only had to say goodnight, dear. It's not the Gettysburg Address.
- Sybil Fawlty: Basil, when you're not feeling well...
- Basil Fawlty: Just two little words, dear, that bring a little happiness into the world.