Dermot Morgan: Father Ted Crilly

The Plague

Father Ted Crilly

[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Len Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted Crilly: Oh feck!
Bishop Len Brennan: What?
Father Ted Crilly: Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted Crilly: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal McGuire: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted Crilly: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[the phone rings,;Ted picks it up]
Bishop Len Brennan: Crilly.
Father Ted Crilly: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
Bishop Len Brennan: Shut up, Crilly, just shut up!

Father Dougal McGuire: Come on Sampras.
Father Ted Crilly: What did you call him?
Father Dougal McGuire: Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted Crilly: Why?
Father Dougal McGuire: Well, you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.

[When thinking of a name for Dougal's rabbit]
Father Dougal McGuire: I've got one. You see how he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place?
Father Ted Crilly: [Really wondering if Dougal is going to say something intelligent...] Yeah...?
Father Dougal McGuire: Well why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett.
Father Ted Crilly: [Suddenly disappointed and sarcastically] Perfect. 'Father Jack' it is.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted Crilly: Oh nothing Father. Dougal's just named his rabbit after you.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Dougal McGuire: Are you alright 'Father Jack'?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted Crilly: He's not talking to you, Father. He's talking to the rabbit.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Dougal McGuire: I think 'Father Jack' needs a drink.
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK! DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Let's give him water.
Father Jack Hackett: WATER? FECK!
Father Ted Crilly: It's getting far too confusing.
Father Dougal McGuire: I've gotten used to calling him 'Father Jack'. Cant we call Father Jack something else?
Father Ted Crilly: Alright then 'Flipper', 'Flipper the priest!'
Father Jack Hackett: YES!

Bishop Len Brennan: And you have...?
Father Ted Crilly: Ah, yes. The rope. I'd like to see him chew through this... Again.

Father Dougal McGuire: C'mon Ted, think. Where's the last place you'd think I'd put them?
Father Ted Crilly: Wwll, I suppose that the last place I'd think you'd put them would be... would actually be... Bishop Brennan's room.
Father Dougal McGuire: Bingo! Think about it Ted- I put the bunnies in the last place he'd ever expect to find them! In his own room- he'd never look there!

Father Ted Crilly: Well, we'll have to do it in shifts; get them out of the house and as far away as possible.
Father Dougal McGuire: Why can't we just leave them here?
Father Ted Crilly: Because, Dougal, my nerves are shot and I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls.

Bishop Len Brennan: Um... Crilly what is this?
[Points to big pile of rabbit droppings on the floor]
Father Ted Crilly: That's um... Caviar.
Bishop Len Brennan: Caviar?
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, well it's not everyday we have a bishop around, so we thought we'd get the Caviar out.
Bishop Len Brennan: Right so what you've done is, you've spread some Caviar down there so i can get on my hands and eat it off the floor.
Father Ted Crilly: ...Yes

Father Ted Crilly: D'you know what this is like, Dougal? It's like some sort of plague... A big rabbit plague... I wonder if God is punishing us, or something... Maybe because I said "feck" to Bishop Brennan.
Father Dougal McGuire: God, if he'd send a plague of rabbits just because you said "feck" to Bishop Brennan, imagine what'll he do when he finds out about all the money you stole from that charity?