Sean Maher: Dr. Simon Tam

Jaynestown

Dr. Simon Tam

Jayne: Listen, Mal, I was in Canton a few years back. I might have made me a few enemies thereabouts.
Simon: Enemies? You? No! How can it be?

[first lines]
Kaylee: Come on, admit it. It's true.
Simon: No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear-words, like anybody else.
Kaylee: Oh really? See, I never heard you. So when is it that you do all this cussin'? After I go to bed, or...
Simon: I swear... when it's appropriate
Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearin' is that it ain't appropriate.

Dr. Simon Tam: [to Jayne, who has messed up the infirmary] My God. You're like a trained ape. *Without* the training.

Simon: Mal, I, uh, uh... No, n-n-nothing happened. There was, uh, there was - there was some drinking, but, uh - No-no, we-we certainly didn't - I would never. Not with Kaylee.
Kaylee: What do you mean, not with me?
Mal: Yeah, uh-huh. Where's my hero?

Jayne: Mmm. They call it Mudder's Milk. All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.
Wash: It's horrific!
Simon: Worked for the Egyptians.
Jayne: What's that?
Simon: The ancient Egyptians, back on Earth-That-Was. It's not so different from the ancestral form of beer they fed to the slaves who built their pyramids. Liquid bread. Kept them from starving, and knocked them out at night, so they wouldn't be inclined to insurrection.
Kaylee: Wow, Simon. That's so... so historical.
Jayne: [to Simon] Tell me, Lil' Miss Big Words. You see a pyramid sittin' out there?
Simon: ...No.
Jayne: Neither do I. So here, let me pour you a big frosty mug of "shut-the-hell-up".

[Simon sees a statue of Jayne and realizes the town they are in idolizes him as a hero]
Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.
[later, after listening to a song about Jayne being a hero]
Simon: No, this must be what going mad feels like.

Simon: My way of being polite or however it's... well, it's the only way I have of showing you that I like you. Of showing respect.
Kaylee: So, when we made love last night...
Simon: When we *what*?
Kaylee: [laughs] You really are such an easy mark.

Simon: [drunk] You know, I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I - I re-attatched a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
Kaylee: [also drunk] Hamsters is nice.
Simon: To Jayne! The box dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.

Simon: Canton really stinks.
Mal: That's what makes it such a great drop point. No one comes here that doesn't have to.
Wash: I vote we do this job really, really fast.