Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Call Me Irresponsible

Dr. Frasier Crane

Marco: I guess I'm just waiting until somebody better comes along.
Frasier: Until somebody better comes along? Marco! Marco! Marco! Do you hear yourself?
Marco: No, I turned my radio down after you blasted that other guy.

Frasier: This is killing me! You think I don't want to pick you up right now, carry you over to that Eames classic, and show you why it's the best-engineered chair in the world?

Catherine: Are you saying that the thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach?
Frasier: Yes, but don't take it personally.

Catherine: [Frasier is putting their plates in the kitchen sink] So, have you ever made love in the kitchen?
Frasier: [Frasier drops the plates and breaks them] Well, the dishes are done.

Catherine: God! And to think I was going to have sex with you. And it was going to be hot. Oh, like you've never had before. I'm talking steamy, sweat-dripping-down-your-back, neighbors- pounding-on-the-wall, illegal-in-48-states kind of sex! But, hey, you're okay, you won't be alone tonight. No, you've got your ethics!
[on her way out the door]
Catherine: Oh, by the way, the fish was dry.
Frasier: Oh, that was a cheap shot!

[Though it's October 21st, Martin and Daphne decorate the apartment for Christmas, to take the picture for their cards]
Daphne Moon: [looking at the tree] Oh, it's lovely.
Daphne Moon, Martin Crane: [singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...!
[Frasier comes in from his nap]
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me... exactly how long have I been asleep?

Niles: I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point: who was that babe-o-rama?
Frasier: Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.

Frasier: How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions in your life are, "Who's going to walk me? Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years.

Roz Doyle: 20 seconds, and I've got news for you: Marco's on line 2.
Frasier: Marco?
Roz Doyle: You know, the guy you got out of the way so you could keep his girlfriend for yourself? Ten Seconds.
Frasier: I'm not talking to him. I don't want to talk to him. There's no way I'm talking to him.
Roz Doyle: 3, 2...
Frasier: Hi, we're back. Roz, whom do we have on the line?
Roz Doyle: We have Marco on line 2.
Frasier: Who's this on line 3?
Roz Doyle: Oh, Todd... oops darn, we lost Todd, but lucky for you we still have Marco on line 2.

[Frasier is appalled at his caller, Marco, saying he doesn't want to commit to his girlfriend "in case somebody better comes along."]
Frasier: Tell me listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times. You ever run into a guy like Marco?
Roz Doyle: Oh, they're all Marcos. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.
Frasier: Come on. I mean, if that were so, then no-one would be having a relationship.
Roz Doyle: Well, I'm not. My sister's not. None of my friends are. I've seen the future, and its name is Marco.

Daphne Moon: [handing out woolen hats for a Christmas card photo] Now the theme this year is "Santa's Workshop." Everybody put on your little elf hats.
Frasier: I am not putting this on my head. For God's sake, I mean, I'm a respected professional.
Martin Crane: [wearing his] But if you don't, it'll look stupid.
Frasier: Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one.

Martin Crane: [Trying to take a Christmas card photo] Just put the hat on, Frasier.
Frasier: You can't tell me what to do.
Martin Crane: I am telling you, look, put the hat on.
Frasier: No, look, the days are passed when you can just sit me on top of some stupid old Packard and make me wear matching sweaters with my little brother.
Daphne Moon: Boys, boys please. Don't fight. Are you forgetting what day it is?
Frasier: It's October 21st!