Kelsey Grammer credited as playing...
Dr. Frasier Crane
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ear than listen to any more of this puppet show.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [equating Niles' marriage to a chess game] The King is stationary while the Queen has all the power.
- [after Niles introduces his dog, clearly a canine substitute for Maris]
- Daphne Moon: Am I the only one?
- Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane: No.
- Daphne Moon: Does Dr. Crane have any idea...?
- Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane: No.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier shows his antique chess set to Niles] Paris 1882, designed by Jean-Francois Blon, while attending L'Ecole des Beaux Arts!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Mon Dieu! It's absolutely breathtaking! I'm breathless!
- [gasps]
- Dr. Niles Crane: I need to take a breath.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh hi, Dad. Did you see my new chess set?
- Martin Crane: Oh yeah, it's nice.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: "Nice?" Well, the inlay was made from the same Travertine marble they used at the Emperor Hadrian's palace outside Tivoli!
- Martin Crane: Really? Well, I'm gonna celebrate with a beverage brewed from the crystal-clear waters of the majestic Colorado Rockies!
- Martin Crane: Boy, I really clobbered you though, didn't I? I got almost all of your prawns.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Pawns, Dad.
- Martin Crane: I think the turning point was when I got that tower-thingy.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, it's called a rook.
- Martin Crane: But the real knockout blow was when I backed your little horsey guy into the corner.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Can we call it a night, Dad?
- Martin Crane: Okay, when I cornered your knight.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I mean... can we call it a night?
- Dr. Niles Crane: There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."
- Dr. Frasier Crane: If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.
- Dr. Niles Crane: O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You were saying?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Sooner or later, the son eclipses the father. It's the natural order. Yet it's frequently a stumbling block because the son's competitive stirrings are accompanied by tremendous feelings of guilt.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, Dad, please, you don't have to rush. As a novice, you have the right to sit back, survey the board, take your time. I will not pressure you or hover like a vulture. Please, feel free to ask any questions you might have.
- Martin Crane: Is this a checkmate?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: ...Yes, it is.