Kelsey Grammer credited as playing...
Dr. Frasier Crane
- Frasier: Daphne, have you seen Roz?
- Daphne: Probably on the phone. Seems like every fifteen minutes she's calling her machine again. This little accident's got her pretty worried.
- Frasier: She told you about it?
- Niles: [tipsy, with two glasses] Champagne?
- Frasier: Oh, not now, Niles. Excuse us, we need a moment alone.
- [He pulls Daphne aside to a corner of the room]
- Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one meself a few years back.
- Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
- Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...
- Frasier: Oh...
- Daphne: I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
- Frasier: I had no idea!
- Daphne: Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.
- Frasier: [stumped for a response] Really? I had no... really?
- Daphne: [Daphne, in discomfort from a product she used on her eyes, interrupts Frasier a conversation between Frasier and Eve, a woman he is trying to woo] Look, I don't mean to ruin your evening, but I can't stay at the party like this. Look at my eyes.
- Frasier: [Niles, dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac, approaches, drunk and under the mistaken impression that Daphne is pregnant and Frasier is the father] Well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault. You should have read the directions on the package before you used it.
- [Niles is in disbelief]
- Daphne: I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me. I just know I need a lift home right now.
- Frasier: Oh, all right, but I'm not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number, so you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like, for God's sake.
- [Niles is appalled]
- Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm very attracted to this young woman and I'm not going to let you or your little problem stand in my way.
- Niles: [fed up] That's enough!
- Frasier: Niles, get your big nose out of this. Lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself.
- Niles: The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother, you cad, you bounder, you r-r-r-roue!
- Frasier: Well, what is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?
- Niles: We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one; and before you deny it, I have plenty of proof.
- Frasier: From here, it smells like eighty proof!
- Niles: A woman stands here before you in dire need.
- Daphne: It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.
- Niles: [takes hold of her arm] Indeed you can.
- Martin: Niles...
- Niles: [to Martin] I told you, don't try to stop me!
- [to Frasier]
- Niles: You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, then you aren't man enough to stand by her?
- Frasier: Niles, before you make a complete ass out of yourself...
- Niles: Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!
- [draws sword, but the blade breaks off and remains sheathed]
- Daphne: But Dr. Crane, you...
- Niles: No, no, don't defend him. There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another.
- [gets down on one knee; takes her hand]
- Niles: Daphne, will you marry me?
- Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one who's pregnant! Roz is!
- Niles: Roz is?
- Eve: Who's Roz?
- Bulldog: She's the one dressed like "O."
- Everyone: Oh...
- Daphne: [to Niles] That was very gallant, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should propose to Roz.
- Martin: If anybody's gonna propose to Roz, it's Frasier!
- Frasier: What?
- Martin: How could you do that? Get her pregnant?
- Gil Chesterton: It was Frasier?
- Frasier: No! Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby! In fact, we don't even know for sure if there IS a baby!
- [Roz appears at the top of the stairs]
- Roz: We do now.
- Frasier: [Frasier, doing his radio show; Roz is uncharacteristically not on top of her game] Roz, who's on the line?
- Roz: Uh, on line four we have Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
- Frasier: Go ahead, Ted.
- [dial tone; Ted has been disconnected]
- Frasier: Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.
- Roz: On line two we have Bill. He's going through a very difficult transition.
- Frasier: Hello, Bill.
- Woman on the Line (Roz's Manicurist): Uh, hello? Is someone there?
- Frasier: Well, I see we're pretty much through our transition, aren't we, Bill?
- Woman on the Line (Roz's Manicurist): This is Dorothy
- Roz: [realizing] Oh, Bill's on line one!
- Frasier: Yes, well, let's just stick with Dorothy for the time being. How can I help you?
- Woman on the Line (Roz's Manicurist): You can get me Roz. I'm her manicurist, and she called for an appointment.
- Roz: I'll call you back later, Dorothy.
- Frasier: Perhaps we'd better take a moment to regroup. I'd like to apologize for the unusually high number of technical difficulties we've experienced today, and now we will go to these public service messages.
- [Frasier goes to commercial]
- Frasier: [to Roz after her unusual display] Explain yourself!
- Roz: I'm just a little off my game today.
- Frasier: A little?
- Roz: Okay, a lot.
- Frasier: Roz, you come in here looking ghoulish even for Halloween, and you sleepwalk your way through my entire show!
- Roz: Oh... I'm sorry, Frasier.
- Frasier: "Sorry" just doesn't cut it, Roz! What possible explanation can there be for this level of unprofessionalism?
- Roz: I think I'm pregnant.
- [Roz returns to her booth as a dumbfounded Frasier follows]
- Frasier: Pregnant?
- Roz: Well, I don't know for sure. I took one of those home tests, and it was kind of iffy, so I went to see my doctor, and he's gonna call me with results.
- Frasier: But, Roz, how-?
- Roz: I don't know how! No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control. But then again, even the best protection is only effective ninety-nine out of a hundred times. I can't beat those odds.
- Frasier: Yes, I suppose you've been dodging that bullet for a long time now.
- Roz: Frasier, promise me you won't tell anyone
- Frasier: Oh, of course not, Roz. But frankly, we don't know if we have anything to tell yet.
- Roz: What if there is?
- Frasier: Then we'll deal with that when we have to. No use crossing that bridge till we come to it.
- Roz: I can't get my mind off it!
- Frasier: Well, you know Niles's party is tonight. That should serve as a distraction.
- Roz: Oh, Frasier, I don't think I'm up for that.
- Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz!
- Roz: [reconsidering] Well, I did rent a costume and everything.
- Frasier: For me? It'll be fun! You know you want to.
- Roz: That's exactly the kind of talk that got me into this.
- Daphne: [to Niles] Hasn't your brother told you? Dr. Crane is going as Geoffrey Chaucer from "The Canterbury Tales," and I'll be dressed as the Wife of Bath!
- Frasier: Yes, and a saucy little strumpet she is too!
- Daphne: [laughing] Oh, you naughty rogue! We've been having quite a time talking to each other like that.
- Martin: Yeah, it's been Ye Olde Laugh Riot around here.
- Frasier: [Niles's prosthetic nose is sticking up at a crazy angle] Oh, hello, Niles. What's your nose all bent out of shape about?