John Mahoney credited as playing...
Martin Crane
- [Gil and Martin are snacking at the Halloween party]
- Gil Chesterson: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
- Martin: [picks up a cheese cube and eats it] Mmm... cheesy.
- Gil Chesterson: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." Le mot juste. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
- Martin: Yep. So who are you supposed to be?
- Gil Chesterson: Chingachgook. I'm the last of the Mohicans.
- Martin: Oh... Well... that little mystery solved.
- Daphne: [Daphne, in discomfort from a product she used on her eyes, interrupts Frasier a conversation between Frasier and Eve, a woman he is trying to woo] Look, I don't mean to ruin your evening, but I can't stay at the party like this. Look at my eyes.
- Frasier: [Niles, dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac, approaches, drunk and under the mistaken impression that Daphne is pregnant and Frasier is the father] Well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault. You should have read the directions on the package before you used it.
- [Niles is in disbelief]
- Daphne: I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me. I just know I need a lift home right now.
- Frasier: Oh, all right, but I'm not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number, so you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like, for God's sake.
- [Niles is appalled]
- Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm very attracted to this young woman and I'm not going to let you or your little problem stand in my way.
- Niles: [fed up] That's enough!
- Frasier: Niles, get your big nose out of this. Lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself.
- Niles: The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother, you cad, you bounder, you r-r-r-roue!
- Frasier: Well, what is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?
- Niles: We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one; and before you deny it, I have plenty of proof.
- Frasier: From here, it smells like eighty proof!
- Niles: A woman stands here before you in dire need.
- Daphne: It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.
- Niles: [takes hold of her arm] Indeed you can.
- Martin: Niles...
- Niles: [to Martin] I told you, don't try to stop me!
- [to Frasier]
- Niles: You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, then you aren't man enough to stand by her?
- Frasier: Niles, before you make a complete ass out of yourself...
- Niles: Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!
- [draws sword, but the blade breaks off and remains sheathed]
- Daphne: But Dr. Crane, you...
- Niles: No, no, don't defend him. There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another.
- [gets down on one knee; takes her hand]
- Niles: Daphne, will you marry me?
- Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one who's pregnant! Roz is!
- Niles: Roz is?
- Eve: Who's Roz?
- Bulldog: She's the one dressed like "O."
- Everyone: Oh...
- Daphne: [to Niles] That was very gallant, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should propose to Roz.
- Martin: If anybody's gonna propose to Roz, it's Frasier!
- Frasier: What?
- Martin: How could you do that? Get her pregnant?
- Gil Chesterton: It was Frasier?
- Frasier: No! Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby! In fact, we don't even know for sure if there IS a baby!
- [Roz appears at the top of the stairs]
- Roz: We do now.
- Gil Chesterton: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
- Martin: Mmm, cheesy.
- Gil Chesterton: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." *Le mot juste*. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
- Martin: Yep.
- Daphne: [to Niles] Hasn't your brother told you? Dr. Crane is going as Geoffrey Chaucer from "The Canterbury Tales," and I'll be dressed as the Wife of Bath!
- Frasier: Yes, and a saucy little strumpet she is too!
- Daphne: [laughing] Oh, you naughty rogue! We've been having quite a time talking to each other like that.
- Martin: Yeah, it's been Ye Olde Laugh Riot around here.