Kelsey Grammer credited as playing...
Dr. Frasier Crane
- Daphne: [rehearsing for a radio play] Sound of door opening.
- Roz: [with a mouthful of food] Infpactar, fhank goddies oo cam.
- Frasier: Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips cheese fell out".
- Frasier: I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn".
- Martin: Oh, don't tell me... a bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
- Frasier: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
- Dr. Niles Crane: So we can stop wondering.
- Gil Chesterton: [Gil's 'Boyhood in Surrey' speech has been cut from the radio mystery] I'm dying...
- Frasier: Poor man was gone.
- Gil Chesterton: Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey
- [makes triumphant face at Frasier]
- Gil Chesterton: , romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys...
- Frasier: [fake gunshot] Just then, the lights went out again. Nigel Fairservice was shot again!
- Gil Chesterton: Only grazed me! When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lum...
- Frasier: [fake gunshot] The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders!
- Frasier: [Frasier is directing a rehearsal of "Nightmare Inn" in his living room] I'm still not entirely happy with the second McAllister sister. She doesn't sound spinsterish enough for me.
- Mel White: I see. You also told me that me gamekeeper sounded too cultured, that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, and that my dwarf was too tall.
- [walks to the front door]
- Mel White: Let me try Hans again; tell me how my German is sounding.
- [opens the door]
- Mel White: I qvit!
- [walks out, slamming door]
- Frasier: [Bulldog suggests his friend Maxine for a role in Frasier's play] Well, does she have any experience?
- Bulldog Briscoe: Are you kidding? If she had a dollar for every minute she spent on stage... oh, wait a minute, she does.
- Frasier: Did you see anything suspicious, Wing?
- Bulldog Briscoe: Oh, me no looky. Me go beddy bye chop chop.
- Roz: Stop! Chinese embassy on line 1. You can't say that.
- Frasier: Now, listen, your natural spontaneity is your best asset as an actor. What was it the Yale Daily News said about your Tartuffe?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh who remembers?
- [without missing a beat]
- Dr. Niles Crane: That I have the magnetism of Marlon Brando, the charm of Danny Kaye and the range of Laurence Olivier.
- Frasier: [finishing his broadcast] Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn". Just set your dials for goosebumps. Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that you never know what's lurking in the shadows.
- [laughs diabolically, goes off-air]
- Roz: Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia.
- Gil Chesterton: [Frasier is still casting for his radio play Nightmare Inn] Oh, Frasier. I've had a quick peek at your script and I think I'd be perfect as Bull Kragen, the brutish gamekeeper.
- Frasier: You know, Gil. I think that's just a bit too on the nose.
- [Gil nods in agreement]
- Frasier: Did anyone see you?
- Gil Chesterton: Several people. Hans, the German butler.
- Mel White: [German voice:] Ja, I saw zee gentleman.
- Frasier: Stop! That's wonderful, Mel. But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German.
- Mel White: I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage!
- Frasier: Yes, well perhaps they have different standards than I have.
- Frasier: Bulldog, where's Maxine?
- Bulldog Briscoe: Oh, she's home with food poisoning. Its nothing serious. I think she just wrestled into bad jello.