John Francis Daley credited as playing...
Sam Weir
- Harold Weir: I guess you'd prefer we listened to some of that punk rock I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience.
- Jean Weir: That's terrible.
- Harold Weir: Yeah, that's what I want to do, spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment.
- Lindsay Weir: Dad, every generation is scared of the music that comes from the next. I'm sure your parents hated Elvis.
- Harold Weir: Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans.
- Sam Weir: No, but he died on the toilet.
- Harold Weir: Well, that's paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.
- Sam Weir: What am I gonna say to Cindy?
- Bill Haverchuck: Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate.
- Sam Weir: Are you drunk?
- Bill Haverchuck: I think so, yes I am.
- Sam Weir: Aw, man, go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink any more.
- Bill Haverchuck: [after Sam leaves] That's very dominant.
- Sam Weir: What's non-alcoholic beer?
- Bill Haverchuck: It's just like beer, it just doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
- Neal Schweiber: ...Alcohol?
- Bill Haverchuck: Yeah.
- Bill Haverchuck: Hey, if Neal marries your sister, he'll be your brother-in-law. And if you have kids, Neal would be their Uncle Neal. And I bet Lindsay's kids will look like Neal.
- Sam Weir: Bill, shut up.
- Sam Weir: [Bill comes up with the idea of substituting non-alcoholic beer at Lindsay's party] We're gonna have to buy a whole keg of it.
- Neal Schweiber: That's gonna be expensive.
- Sam Weir: I don't have any money.
- Neal Schweiber: I don't either.
- Bill Haverchuck: Yes you do.
- Neal Schweiber: Awww, no, no way.
- Sam Weir: Why not?
- Neal Schweiber: It's my bar mitzvah money. I'm saving it to go backpacking across Europe.
- Sam Weir: Come on. This is important.
- Neal Schweiber: Every time you guys have a problem, y'wanna dip into my bar mitzvah money. It's not like I get to have another one.
- Bill Haverchuck: Come on. For Lindsay?
- Neal Schweiber: [reluctantly] Fine.
- Bill Haverchuck: Mazel tov.
- Neal Schweiber: Oh, shut up.