Jennifer Aniston: Rachel Green

The One with Phoebe's Dad

Rachel Green

[Ross has just convinced Rachel to make a list about his negative traits]
Rachel Green: Okay. You're whiny. You are... you're obsessive. You are insecure. You're gutless. You don't just seize the day. You liked me for, what, a year and you didn't do anything about it. And, uh... oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
Dr. Ross Geller: See? There... you, uh... alright. You did what I said.
Rachel Green: Yeah, and you know what? You're right. I do feel better. Thank you, Ross.
[Rachel leaves. Ross feels up his hair]

Rachel Green: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison?
Phoebe Buffay: No, that's my stepdad, my real dad ran out on us before we were born.
Rachel Green: How have you not been on Oprah?

Dr. Ross Geller: [Walks into Central Perk carrying a load of shopping bags, puts one small gift bag on the counter next to where Rachel is standing behind it] Hey, Rachel, I bought you a present
[Rachel just looks at him]
Dr. Ross Geller: I'll open it.
[Opens the bag]
Dr. Ross Geller: it's a slinky, remember them?
[Starts singing]
Dr. Ross Geller: it walks downstairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's...
[speaks normally]
Dr. Ross Geller: just a big spring! OK, you're still mad at me for the whole...
Rachel Green: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me.
Dr. Ross Geller: How about from now on we just call it the unfortunate incident?
[Rachel walks away]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Gunther] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?
Gunther: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Hands the slinky to Gunther] Go nuts!

Phoebe Buffay: [about the photo frame, Ross has just bought] Oh my God, where did you get this?
Dr. Ross Geller: Err, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
Phoebe Buffay: This is my dad, this is a picture of my dad!
Chandler Bing: Err, Phoebs, that's the guy who comes in the frame.
Phoebe Buffay: No it isn't. Alright, look, I'll show you.
[Starts rummaging through handbag]
Rachel Green: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison?
Phoebe Buffay: No, that's my step dad. My real dad ran out on us before I was born.
Rachel Green: How have you not been on Oprah?
Phoebe Buffay: [Pulls out photo in wallet and holds against frame] see, same guy.
Monica Geller: Erm, sweetie, this is the frame guy posing in front of a bright, blue screen with a collie.
Phoebe Buffay: It is not a blue screen!
[Looks again]
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, maybe it was just really clear that day?
[after a pause]
Phoebe Buffay: OK, I have to speak to my Grandmother.
[Leaves]
Dr. Ross Geller, Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Hey, Phoebs, wait!
Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: [Changing the subject] so anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex wife to sleep with me!
Dr. Ross Geller, Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, but when phoebe hasa problem, everyone's all ears!

Chandler Bing: You know, I remember my father, dressed in the red suit, black boots, big leather belt. Sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anyone to see him, but he'd be drunk, stumble, crash into something and wake everyone up!
Rachel Green: Well, that doesn't sound like a very, merry Christmas.
Chandler Bing: Who said anything about Christmas?

Joey Tribbiani: [Chandler and Joey are handing out Christmas presents to the gang which they bought last minute] OK, Rach, this is for you.
Rachel Green: [Fake smiling] Wiper blades? I don't even have a car!
Joey Tribbiani: No, but with this new 'car smell' you'll think you do!
[Hands her a small bottle]
Chandler Bing: OK, Phoebe, your turn.
[Hands her a box]
Phoebe Buffay: [Gasps with genuine delight] Toilet seat covers? Is this what you guys were doing whilst I was getting gas?
Joey Tribbiani: [Nodding] uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys!
Joey Tribbiani: And Ross, Mr sweet tooth.
[Hands him a can of soda]
Dr. Ross Geller: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler Bing: And... a
[shouts excitedly]
Chandler Bing: lemon lime!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Sarcastic tone] Well, this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater!
Chandler Bing: And last, but not least...
[Hands Monica a box of condoms]
Joey Tribbiani: They're ribbed for your pleasure!
[Monica smiles sarcastically, then switches presents with Ross]

Mr. Treeger: [Standing with Rachel under some mistletoe] so, is this mistletoe?
Rachel Green: No, that, that is basil.
Mr. Treeger: Oh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss you.
Rachel Green: [laughs nervously] Oh, Oh, yeah, no it's still basil
[Walks off]