Matthew Perry: Chandler Bing

The One with Phoebe's Dad

Chandler Bing

Chandler Bing: [Joey and Chandler walk into Monica and Rachel's apartment] Hey! How much are you guys tipping the Super this year? Only we were gonna give him 50 but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.
Monica Geller: Oh, actually, this year we just baked him homemade cookies.
Chandler Bing: And 25 it is...
Joey Tribbiani: You baked him cookies?
Monica Geller: Money is so impersonal, cookies says someone really cares.
[Joey and Chandler look at Monica]
Monica Geller: OK, we're broke, but cookies do say that!
Phoebe Buffay: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick!
Chandler Bing: Er, Phoebs, were these
[air quotation marks]
Chandler Bing: funny brownies?
Phoebe Buffay: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them!

Joey Tribbiani: [to Chandler and Monica] I can't believe it's Christmas already, you know? One minute you're eating turkey, then the next your geese are laying and your Lords are leaping.
Chandler Bing: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year!

Phoebe Buffay: [about the photo frame, Ross has just bought] Oh my God, where did you get this?
Dr. Ross Geller: Err, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
Phoebe Buffay: This is my dad, this is a picture of my dad!
Chandler Bing: Err, Phoebs, that's the guy who comes in the frame.
Phoebe Buffay: No it isn't. Alright, look, I'll show you.
[Starts rummaging through handbag]
Rachel Green: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison?
Phoebe Buffay: No, that's my step dad. My real dad ran out on us before I was born.
Rachel Green: How have you not been on Oprah?
Phoebe Buffay: [Pulls out photo in wallet and holds against frame] see, same guy.
Monica Geller: Erm, sweetie, this is the frame guy posing in front of a bright, blue screen with a collie.
Phoebe Buffay: It is not a blue screen!
[Looks again]
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, maybe it was just really clear that day?
[after a pause]
Phoebe Buffay: OK, I have to speak to my Grandmother.
[Leaves]
Dr. Ross Geller, Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Hey, Phoebs, wait!
Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: [Changing the subject] so anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex wife to sleep with me!
Dr. Ross Geller, Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, but when phoebe hasa problem, everyone's all ears!

Chandler Bing: You know, I remember my father, dressed in the red suit, black boots, big leather belt. Sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anyone to see him, but he'd be drunk, stumble, crash into something and wake everyone up!
Rachel Green: Well, that doesn't sound like a very, merry Christmas.
Chandler Bing: Who said anything about Christmas?

Monica Geller: [to Joey and Chandler] you guys haven't got your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what are you gonna do?
Chandler Bing: Don't you have to be claymation to say stuff like that?

Joey Tribbiani: [Chandler and Joey are handing out Christmas presents to the gang which they bought last minute] OK, Rach, this is for you.
Rachel Green: [Fake smiling] Wiper blades? I don't even have a car!
Joey Tribbiani: No, but with this new 'car smell' you'll think you do!
[Hands her a small bottle]
Chandler Bing: OK, Phoebe, your turn.
[Hands her a box]
Phoebe Buffay: [Gasps with genuine delight] Toilet seat covers? Is this what you guys were doing whilst I was getting gas?
Joey Tribbiani: [Nodding] uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys!
Joey Tribbiani: And Ross, Mr sweet tooth.
[Hands him a can of soda]
Dr. Ross Geller: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler Bing: And... a
[shouts excitedly]
Chandler Bing: lemon lime!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Sarcastic tone] Well, this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater!
Chandler Bing: And last, but not least...
[Hands Monica a box of condoms]
Joey Tribbiani: They're ribbed for your pleasure!
[Monica smiles sarcastically, then switches presents with Ross]