David Schwimmer: Dr. Ross Geller

The One with Phoebe's Dad

Dr. Ross Geller

[Ross has just convinced Rachel to make a list about his negative traits]
Rachel Green: Okay. You're whiny. You are... you're obsessive. You are insecure. You're gutless. You don't just seize the day. You liked me for, what, a year and you didn't do anything about it. And, uh... oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
Dr. Ross Geller: See? There... you, uh... alright. You did what I said.
Rachel Green: Yeah, and you know what? You're right. I do feel better. Thank you, Ross.
[Rachel leaves. Ross feels up his hair]

Monica Geller: [the newspaper delivery guy has left a ruined paper at Monica's door] Look, and he did my crossword puzzle!
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14 across, Gershwin musical actually is 'bite me, bite me, bite me'

Dr. Ross Geller: [Walks into Central Perk carrying a load of shopping bags, puts one small gift bag on the counter next to where Rachel is standing behind it] Hey, Rachel, I bought you a present
[Rachel just looks at him]
Dr. Ross Geller: I'll open it.
[Opens the bag]
Dr. Ross Geller: it's a slinky, remember them?
[Starts singing]
Dr. Ross Geller: it walks downstairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's...
[speaks normally]
Dr. Ross Geller: just a big spring! OK, you're still mad at me for the whole...
Rachel Green: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me.
Dr. Ross Geller: How about from now on we just call it the unfortunate incident?
[Rachel walks away]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Gunther] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?
Gunther: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Hands the slinky to Gunther] Go nuts!

Dr. Ross Geller: [Showing the gang the Christmas presents he's just bought] I got this frame, from Ben, to my parents. I got these hers and hers towels for Carol and Susan. And err, I got this blouse for mum.
[Pulls out tacky blouse with medals on]
Monica Geller: Ross, that is gorgeous! Look at these authentic fake medals, I tell you what, mum's gonna be voted best dressed in the make believe military academy!

Phoebe Buffay: [about the photo frame, Ross has just bought] Oh my God, where did you get this?
Dr. Ross Geller: Err, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
Phoebe Buffay: This is my dad, this is a picture of my dad!
Chandler Bing: Err, Phoebs, that's the guy who comes in the frame.
Phoebe Buffay: No it isn't. Alright, look, I'll show you.
[Starts rummaging through handbag]
Rachel Green: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison?
Phoebe Buffay: No, that's my step dad. My real dad ran out on us before I was born.
Rachel Green: How have you not been on Oprah?
Phoebe Buffay: [Pulls out photo in wallet and holds against frame] see, same guy.
Monica Geller: Erm, sweetie, this is the frame guy posing in front of a bright, blue screen with a collie.
Phoebe Buffay: It is not a blue screen!
[Looks again]
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, maybe it was just really clear that day?
[after a pause]
Phoebe Buffay: OK, I have to speak to my Grandmother.
[Leaves]
Dr. Ross Geller, Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Hey, Phoebs, wait!
Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: [Changing the subject] so anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex wife to sleep with me!
Dr. Ross Geller, Chandler Bing, Rachel Green, Monica Geller: Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, but when phoebe hasa problem, everyone's all ears!

Joey Tribbiani: [Chandler and Joey are handing out Christmas presents to the gang which they bought last minute] OK, Rach, this is for you.
Rachel Green: [Fake smiling] Wiper blades? I don't even have a car!
Joey Tribbiani: No, but with this new 'car smell' you'll think you do!
[Hands her a small bottle]
Chandler Bing: OK, Phoebe, your turn.
[Hands her a box]
Phoebe Buffay: [Gasps with genuine delight] Toilet seat covers? Is this what you guys were doing whilst I was getting gas?
Joey Tribbiani: [Nodding] uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys!
Joey Tribbiani: And Ross, Mr sweet tooth.
[Hands him a can of soda]
Dr. Ross Geller: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler Bing: And... a
[shouts excitedly]
Chandler Bing: lemon lime!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Sarcastic tone] Well, this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater!
Chandler Bing: And last, but not least...
[Hands Monica a box of condoms]
Joey Tribbiani: They're ribbed for your pleasure!
[Monica smiles sarcastically, then switches presents with Ross]

Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross is trying to bribe Mr Treager to fix the radiator] Hey, here's another £50. Happy Hanukkah. Will this help with the knob fixing?
Mr. Treeger: [Looking slightly exasperated] No, the place isn't open until Tuesday.
[to Monica and Rachel]
Mr. Treeger: am I not saying it right?
Monica Geller: Wait, so you really did like my cookies?
Mr. Treeger: Oh yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared.