David Arquette credited as playing...
Malcolm
- [Phoebe is walking in the street, looks back and sees that a man is following her. He suddenly pretends he isn't following her and Phoebe carries on walking as the man buys a bunch of flowers from a nearby stall and continues following Phoebe]
- Phoebe Buffay: [stops and turns around] Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy! Yeah! Why have you been following me? I mean all week long, everywhere I look, there's you!
- Malcolm: [downcast] You wouldn't return my calls. You send back my letters.
- Phoebe Buffay: [confused] What?
- Malcolm: [begs] One more chance, Ursula. Please!
- Phoebe Buffay: [realises] Ohhh. Oh. Oh this is awkward.
- Malcolm: What?
- Phoebe Buffay: Um, yeah. 'Cause you want Ursula... and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters. Seriously.
- Malcolm: [disbelief to frustration] Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a DINGUS!
- [throws the flowers on the floor]
- Phoebe Buffay: [assuring] Oh, you're not a *dingus*.
- Malcolm: [sits on a step] I just... I w-w-want you to know, I didn't used to be like this. Before I met your sister, I was like this normal guy who sold beepers in cellular phones.
- Phoebe Buffay: [sits next to him] Well... I mean, look, it's... it's not your fault, you know. I mean... this is just... this is what she does to guys, OK? Just...
- Malcolm: [assured] Well, thanks.
- [he stands up but Phoebe grabs him and pulls him back down]
- Phoebe Buffay: Wait! You know what? I've got a little story! When I was in junior high school, I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counsellor who said something to me that I think will help you a lot. He said, "OK, you're not a witch. You're just an average student."
- [short pause]
- Phoebe Buffay: You see what I'm saying?
- Malcolm: Not really.
- Phoebe Buffay: [encouraging] Um, well, get over it!
- [Malcolm looks encouraged]
- Phoebe Buffay: [kind and assuring] So, I mean, you just, you seem like a really nice guy. You know, I just... don't be so hard on yourself. OK?
- [they stand up]
- Malcolm: [encouraged but nervous] Wait, you're right. I know you're right. And thanks for being so nice.
- [he picks up the flowers]
- Malcolm: [offers them to Phoebe] Here.
- Phoebe Buffay: [accepts the flowers] Oh! Thanks a lot! Do you wanna get a cup of coffee, or...
- Malcolm: Yeah. OK.
- Phoebe Buffay: OK.
- [Phoebe starts walking and Malcolm walks right behind her. Phoebe stops and turns around]
- Phoebe Buffay: [kindly] You don't have to walk behind me anymore.