Our Vines Have Tender Apes

"Our Vines Have Tender Apes" marks the return of former Tarzan Denny Miller (from the 1959 remake of "Tarzan the Ape Man"), previously a champion surfer in "Big Man on a Little Stick," here playing a facsimile of Edgar Rice Burroughs' Ape Man as the leopard skin-clad Tongo, discovered sleeping in Gilligan's hammock. All of the castaways in turn are menaced by the inarticulate brute, until a scheme is hatched to trap him in a cage big enough to hold him. Once he's left alone, Tongo takes out a tape recorder, keeping track of his exploits on this third night on the island, just an actor playing a part that he hopes will make him a star. The castaways are amazed at how easily he adjusts to their teachings, though Mr. Howell's attempt at culture, believing Tongo's grunt to be a sign that he's from Harvard, concludes with his exclamation that the messy eater must be a Yale man! The appearance of a genuine ape (Janos Prohaska) reveals Tongo to be a coward of the first order, leaving behind the tape recorder to show how he made fools of the castaways. This time the intruder escapes by helicopter, unwilling to rescue the islanders for fear that they might spill the beans about his poor performance with the real ape. Denny Miller never again donned the savage outfit, but continued to play rugged types in scores of comedy shows like I DREAM OF JEANNIE and Sherwood Schwartz's own THE BRADY BUNCH. Janos Prohaska played apes, gorillas, and other strange creatures in a number of science fiction shows, particularly on STAR TREK, playing the Horta in "The Devil in the Dark" and the Mugato in "A Private Little War."

Clearly, this late in the third season, the series is running low on originality. Once again, an episode from the last season recycles plot elements from way back in the first. This time, it borrows heavily from Diamonds are an Ape's Best Friend and a little bit from Gilligan Meets Jungle Boy. The guest star does a passable job, but the outing has stale, lazy writing, awkward scenes that don't work, and is never more than mildly funny.

Okay, the cold open is at least cute, if you're into Goldilocks. Gilligan discovers an ape man sleeping in his hammock. After the cuteness fades, we go right into the trope of no one believing his very descriptive story. It's not long, though, before the figment of Gilligan's imagination appears (as it did so many times before), swings into the skeptics, gives a non-Tarzan yell, and flees.

For the majority of the first act, the ape man menaces the castaways in mildly humorous scenes; the best scene is where he engages Mr. Howell and causes a fainting spell. The men's search party scenes are too broad and adolescent as they're overmatched by the ape man throwing coconuts. Equally witless and sexist is the girls' plan to make themselves look ugly to keep from being carried off.

Ginger doesn't really try, of course, and is taken to that same weekly cave set. The scene between beauty and the beast is tedious, draggy, and falls woefully short of any Tarzan and Jane material. All that's gained from it is the ape man's name is Tongo. It's followed by another moment cribbed from Diamonds where the Professor tries to use her to lure Tongo into a trap and she refuses. Mary Ann fills in for her in a creepy scene where the cut-rate Tarzan is captured and caged.

In a not so surprising twist, it's revealed that the menacing Tongo is really an actor who has travelled all the way to a remote island to practice his role on the unsuspecting castaways. In short, he's really, really method.

He continues his act with Gilligan and the others in scenes where they try to connect with him, and are pale imitations of better scenes with the jungle boy. They're also kind of cruel since he's playing the naïve castaways for fools.

Not knowing how to continue, writers Mandel and Kammerman have a random gorilla pop up to carry off Tongo in an ironic twist. Once again, we're back to Diamonds, as the castaways try to rescue him in a bid to get off the island. Scrawny Gilligan is dressed up as another gorilla to lure the real one out of that same cave to little comedic effect. (Why Gilligan you say? Why not?) The episode wobbles to its predictable finish; Tongo is exposed as a fraud and a coward, and the writers as creatively spent.

COCONOTES:

Denny Scott Miller makes his second appearance on the series as the ape man. Miller actually played Tarzan on the 1959 series. His actor here comes across as a brutish and unlikable schemer. Definitely left a better impression as Duke the surfer.

Major plot hole: how on earth did he know the island he picked was inhabited?

Another sign that the writers are mailing it in is Mr. Howell's umbrella sword.

Yet another sign is the coconut and bamboo shopping cart. Kind of counterproductive to push a basket on wheels through jungle terrain when it's way easier to carry the 'groceries'.

Give this episode an 'A' for originality.

Of all the offbeat characters to appear on the island, enter Tarzan? Who better to play the role than former TARZAN screen star Denny Miller, portraying an actor trying to get the feel of what it's like to be Tarzan. Make sense?

Denny plays Tongo, the wild ape man, and is the whole show. He's fun to watch. Tongo carries a tape recorder with him to document what he's doing, sort of an acting exercise. The castaways however take him seriously, and Ginger tries to "comunicate" via grunts?

There's also a real ape running around the place, and why not? Janos Prachaska plays the ape man, who specialized in animal and creature roles for decades, and very convincing under all that hair.

There is one interesting scene where Tongo speaks into his tape recorder, revealing he actually recognizes Ginger as the missing movie star. That all said -- you guessed it --the castaways are NOT rescued.

Written by ace sitcom writers Sidney Mandel and Roy Kammerman, who later did many episodes for LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE.

A salute to Denny Miller, one funny guy who is missed. SEASON 3 EPISODE 20 remastered color dvd box set.