Alfred Hitchcock credited as playing...
Self - Host
- [first lines]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [holding a voodoo doll and a hypodermic needle] Oh, oh, good evening. I was just about to send greetings to an old friend. I'm sure modern, civilized methods of homicide are much more efficient, but I don't care for them. I abhor violence. That is why on this program, we use stabbings, shootings, and garrotings only when they are absolutely essential to the plot, or when the whim strikes us. Tonight's play begins in a museum. And the title is "The Cheney Vase." That's all I intend to tell you. You'll have to figure the rest out for yourselves. And now our sponsor wishes to say a few words designed to send you rushing out immediately to buy his products. But please endeavor to restrain yourselves. I don't want you to miss our story.
- [last lines]
- Alfred Hitchcock: And so another American primitive was born. Thinking our audience might be interested in obtaining a memento of tonight's story, we asked, uh, Grandma Cheney to whip up a few thousand more vases. And we're prepared to make an amazing offer on a strictly first-come-first-serve basis. Listen closely. This will not be repeated. If you wish one of these lovely vases, just send us your name and address together with $45,000 in cash. Please do not send stamps or coins. And now our sponsor wishes to tell you of an equally amazing opportunity for your benefit. After which I'll be back.
- [commercial break]
- Alfred Hitchcock: My, they did go fast, didn't they? Next week, we shall return...
- [accidentally knocks over the one vase that's left]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Please don't be alarmed.
- [he picks up the vase, which is unharmed]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Plastic. Next week we shall return with another story. Good night.