Alfred Hitchcock credited as playing...
Self - Host
- [afterword - Hitchcock still has the guitar]
- Self - Host: If you've been waiting for me to play this, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. I can't. Of course, Alvin couldn't play either. He just pounded it as he sang. Now we bring you the single greatest argument for the return of radio, after which I shall do some returning of my own.
- [commercial break]
- Self - Host: Well, we seem to have more time, but no more entertainment. So we shall fill the gap with a list of names of those we hold responsible for tonight's buffoonery. As for myself, good night until next week.
- [introduction - Hitchcock is standing next to a sign reading "The Hitchcock Rock"]
- Self - Host: Good evening. It grieves me to announce that it will be impossible for my cousin, Alvin Hitchcock, to entertain you with his singing. He fell victim to a crowd of teenage souvenir hunters. After first helping themselves to bits of his clothing, they began snipping off locks of his hair. He held still for that. After all, he certainly needed a haircut. But when they had exhausted his hair, they refused to stop snipping. He was very popular. This was all we found.
- [holds up guitar]
- Self - Host: Tonight's program was to have included many of his greatest hits - "I Dig You, Darling, 'Cause You're Sick, Sick, Sick", "The FBI's Breaking Up That Old Gang of Mine", "Take Off Your Leather Jacket, Mother - You Shall Not Ride Tonight" and Tchaichovsky's Rock and Roll Concerto. Substituting for his concert is a play, "The Jokester". However, as a tribute to Alvin, let us first observe one minute of noise.