Hal Linden: Barney Miller

Snow Job

Barney Miller

[Farber has tried to commit suicide in the bathroom]
Capt. Barney Miller: [to Chano] Taking a prisoner to the bathroom is a professional obligation, not a social function!
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I didn't think he could hurt himself in the toilet.
Capt. Barney Miller: Look up your statistics! Toilets are very high up in the statistics!

Capt. Barney Miller: [to Fish] What about the night shift? Are they going to make it?
Det. Phil Fish: I don't think so. The guys who live on Long Island can't get to Manhattan.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, that means the guys who live in Manhattan can't get to Long Island.
Det. Phil Fish: Right.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't we call Long Island and have them keep the guys who can't get to Manhattan, and we'll keep the guys who can't get to Long Island.
Det. Phil Fish: [shakes his head] They tried it once and they didn't like it. It made too much sense.

Det. Phil Fish: Put it over there on the desk
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barney, wait till you see what we got here. Siegel's Department store hasn't been able to make a deposit for a week, so they asked us to keep their receipts -- keep till morning. I said okay. Is it okay ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojciehowicz, we're working on a half-shift. We can't baby-sit somebody's payroll
Det. Phil Fish: An employee told us that they secretly heard they we're being set-up for a rip-off. They'd like to avoid trouble.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I have never seen so much money in my life. Take a look.

Capt. Barney Miller: How much is in there ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Two hundred sixteen thousand four hundred and eighty odd dollars
Capt. Barney Miller: Eighty odd. Aren't you sure ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, when your loaded. What's a few bucks more or less ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: That is more. Less is what I take home every week

Capt. Barney Miller: Somebody put it in the safe ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I got it. I signed for it.
Capt. Barney Miller: All right. Then, It's your responsibility but get at it. We got a lot of work to do.

Lyle W. Farber: Excuse me, may I show you something ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I rather you didn't if you don't mind... There was a time when you wanted someone to notice you, all you had to show them was a little courtesy

Det. Phil Fish: Hey, Barney this is marvelous. Deputy Inspector
Capt. Barney Miller: There is a slim chance of anything like that happening. But, it is a kind of a kick to see in a official publication
Det. Phil Fish: Deputy Inspector. I know guys who have been on the force 30 or 40 years and never even been considered for a job like this. Take me for instance. I'm proud. I am going to put it on the bulletin board.
Capt. Barney Miller: No. No. Don't say anything. Don't tell anyone. It would be causing a lot of excitement over nothing. I haven't even told Liz.

Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, there are five precinct captains who got more time in on the force than I do
Det. Phil Fish: We are all going to miss you
Capt. Barney Miller: It's Cook, Leeds, Stevenson, Rourke and Burns
Det. Phil Fish: And Carmichael
Capt. Barney Miller: You know what politics and seniority means in an appointment like this.
Det. Phil Fish: I got a feeling your going to make it,
Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, don't be ridiculous. Carmichael... Whose Carmichael

Capt. Barney Miller: All right, you counted it, what's the problem.
Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: There's exactly $5000 missing
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: $5000, that's impossible
Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe you ought to count it again
Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: I've counted it three times. That right, Pete ?
Pete: That's correct. I've counted it too. It's a bundle short.
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish. Count it. Harris, you watch Fish
Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: Pete, you watch Harris

Capt. Barney Miller: There was a lot of excitement last night. The money could have been misplaced or gotten buried under this official litter
Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: Have you ever misplaced $5000 before ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Once, in a Monopoly game.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barney, There is nothing in the safe but petty cash
Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: Oh
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: $16
Capt. Barney Miller: That's for two weeks

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris, you were standing right there, when I was putting it in the safe
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, you wouldn't let me help you, remember. You said it was all yours
Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: You said that ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Figure of speech, Mr Gross. Detective Wojciehowicz probably felt personally responsible for the money.
Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: He is personally responsible for the money
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You here that Harris !
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, don't look at me. If I needed extra money, I'd do windows.

Capt. Barney Miller: What's going on here, you'd think in this kind of weather, business would be slow.
Det. Ron Harris: The armored car drivers and the guards are still on strike. Money is piling up faster in the stores than garbage on the streets
Capt. Barney Miller: Burglaries, armed robberies, aggravated assaults
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, and every dude with a gun, or a knife, or a pointed stick is out there trying to seek his fortune
Capt. Barney Miller: Civilization, huh ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah !

Capt. Barney Miller: [about the flasher] He tried to electrocute himself, he stuck one finger in an outlet and one foot in the toilet bowl.
Det. Phil Fish: No kidding... I didn't know he was that tall.