Herb Edelman credited as playing...
Alan Schuster
- Alan Schuster: I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.
- Yemana: Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.
- Alan Schuster: That's the way they got Friedman, in a laundromat. Snuck up behind him and pushed him into a dryer. They threw in 7 quarters. The coroner said 2 would've been enough to kill him.
- Alan Schuster: What do you do?
- Marty Morrison: I'm getting married.
- Alan Schuster: I mean, for a living.
- Marty Morrison: I'm getting married.
- Alan Schuster: I've never been married myself. I don't know, for some reason girls don't interest me. I guess my head is always too much into business, you know, ambition -- making money, being a big shot. My mother used to say to me, "Alan, Alan, meet a nice girl, meet a nice girl." But, I don't know, I actually had more fun with the fellows. Not that I never met a lot of nice girls. Actually, I was engaged twice. But every time it came time to make the big step, I thought "maybe I'm making a mistake." You know ? You're liable to make a commitment and then when you least expect it, like a bolt out of the blue, somebody comes around the corner and,"Wham !"
- Marty Morrison: "Wham."
- Alan Schuster: You didn't even frisk him.
- Capt. Barney Miller: To tell you the truth, I didn't have the nerve.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, look at this, I got $325 from Fish, $524 from Wojo, $475 from Harris, $373 from Yemana, $ 950 from me, and $40 from Petty Cash. Now that all adds up to $2,686
- Alan Schuster: 87
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: He's right, thanks
- Alan Schuster: Don't mention it
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Anyway, Barney, all we need $ 813 more, how about it, huh ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: You really want to make this bust ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, this guy pushes to kids in school, man
- Capt. Barney Miller: Alright, come on in, I'll give you a check.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Ha, Ha !, Fantastic, man !, I'll tell you what am going to do. I'm going to the bank and I'm going to cash these checks and I'm going to have your money back by midnight
- Capt. Barney Miller: You better
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [after their sandwiches are dropped off] Mr Schuster, I ordered -- I ordered an extra sandwich, a corned beef and turkey
- Alan Schuster: I wouldn't touch it
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: They're great sandwiches
- Alan Schuster: Huh ? That's what they told Kleineman the Auditor, when they had him stashed in that hotel in Chicago. Scrambled eggs. He was dead before he could put his fork down. You know what the police found out ? Someone had injected poison into the egg shell with a hypodermic needle. You know how easy it would be to do the same thing with chopped liver, corned beef, bread, mustard.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Your letting your imagination run away with you, Mr. Shuster.
- Alan Schuster: Yeah.
- Officer Kogan: [enters the squad room] Here's your sandwiches from Grossman.
- [the detectives look at one another and drop their sandwiches]
- Alan Schuster: That was suppose to be me that got poisoned, you know that.
- Marty Morrison: Why would anyone want to poison you ?
- Alan Schuster: Because I know too much.
- Marty Morrison: My God, If one got killed because they knew too much, I would have been dead years ago.
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, he's dead
- Det. Phil Fish: What ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo ?
- Det. Ron Harris: No, Schuster ? I let a few rumors sneak out, it's right here on the second page. Check it out.
- Det. Phil Fish: You !...
- Capt. Barney Miller: An unconfirmed rumor from an undisclosed source, Alan Schuster state witness scheduled to appear today before the crime commission, went to a Eastside Hospital... critical condition... overdose... undisclosed... died this morning at 5:15 AM... .Perfect... Sorry to see you go , Mr. Schuster
- Alan Schuster: Did they say anything nice about me ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Not really.
- Yemana: Of course, they don't know you like we do
- Capt. Barney Miller: How's Wojo ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Sick as a dog ? But he's going to be okay. The doctor said a dude with an ordinary constitution would have cashed it in.
- Yemana: He could eat a desk
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, Mr. Schuster get ready to travel. Harris, you and Fish take him over to City Hall, and turn him over to the Crime Commission
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Schuster. Oh, no handcuffs. You'll ride in the back with me. Try to act as if your just another one of the detectives in this squad.
- Alan Schuster: How do I do that ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, just look at me with admiration and respect
- Capt. Barney Miller: Open it up, Nick
- Yemana: Yeah
- Capt. Barney Miller: Marty, I just spoke to the Department store, they're willing to accept the fact that you intended to buy the luggage, so ,uh, get over there, give them the money and they'll drop charges
- Marty Morrison: Well, they are really expensive bags. I don't think I can afford them.
- Capt. Barney Miller: They go with your shoes
- Yemana: Bon Voyage
- Marty Morrison: Thank you. Good luck. I don't suppose we'll be seeing each other again
- Alan Schuster: I probably won't be seeing anybody again
- Capt. Barney Miller: Check in Marty, I want to know what happens.
- Marty Morrison: Yes, Captain... Uh... Goodbye, I really enjoy our brief encounter
- Alan Schuster: Likewise
- Marty Morrison: Mr. Shuster, are you a Scorpio ?
- Alan Schuster: Yeah.
- Marty Morrison: Oh God, I knew it !
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, How you doing Barney? Hi, guys.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hey Chano, did you make the bust ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, sure, made it nice and easy. Nothing to it. Got him with all the stuff.
- Det. Phil Fish: Very good. Where's my money?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Uh... I ain't got it.
- Yemana: You ain't got it. What do you mean, you ain't got it?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale, Det. Phil Fish: Quick--someone take my gun away .
- Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, I walked into the place, right, met the contact, I gave him the money, he gave me the stuff. I pull out my piece and say "Okay,freeze, hands in the air." And all of a sudden from behind me, I hear someone else say "Freeze, hands in the air"
- Det. Ron Harris: You got ripped-off ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, by the FBI.
- Capt. Barney Miller, Det. Phil Fish: FBI ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, the FBI, you know the guys with the ties.They had their own bust going. What am I...?... going... They kept... They confiscated the money as evidence... .Well
- Yemana: For crying out loud, I could have lost that money at the track myself. I didn't need your help.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Alright... Alright... .Take it easy... Take it easy. We'll all get our money back
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: yeah
- Capt. Barney Miller: In 5 or 6 months
- Yemana: wait till wojo hears about it, he's not going to be happy about pulling through
- Det. Ron Harris: You can give me a note for my tailor
- Alan Schuster: Look, if you, uh... if you don't get the money back, I know a way to take it off your taxes
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thanks Mr. Schuster, but no thanks