Benny Hill credited as playing...
Self - Host • Various
- Self - Host: I mean you take the other day,/when he took that Betsy Mae/ up that pasture land just past the gravel pit./He kicked a sleeping cow... /made it get up and walk away/so that she'd have somewhere warm and dry to sit./And they's alone there in that field/and she's just about to yield/and her dad turns up and starts to raise his voice./He says, "Are your intentions honourable or dishonourable, my man?"/And Ted says, "What, you mean I gets a choice?"
- Self - Host: Old Ted meets this fancy piece in town/and Ted don't hang around./He's back inside her flat quick as a wink./She starts to pour him a gin and then/She says, "Now you will tell me when?"/He says, "Right after I finish that there drink."
- Self - Host: Old Ted gets back the other day./Six weeks he'd been away./He's staying with some woman up the West End./Then a letter arrived for me/implying explicitly/a connection between me and his new found friend./I says, "Now Ted, I wants the truth./He says, "Well, she was a bit old in the tooth."/"and I suppose I should be ashamed of what I did."/But I gave her your name instead of mine."/"Is that all right?" I says, "Fine."/"She just died and left me half a million quid."
- Self - Host: Old Ted's in these here digs/and the landlady treats them like pigs./Well, you can't blame her 'cause they ain't exactly elite./One day, she goes 'round the bend./She says, "All right, pack your things, that's the end."/"Clear out. You ain't even having a bite to eat."/Well, others all goes white,/but Ted, he says, "All right."/and "There's plenty of landladies could use some extra lovin'."/"I'll not be homeless long,/'' 'cause I'm virile and I'm strong."/She says, "I'm not talking to you. Your dinner's in the oven."
- Jacques Custard: Unlike other fish, the carble fish has one mating season per year. This lasts for 12 months. Unfortunately, there is no female of the species. The Carble fish is a very unhappy fish.
- Jacques Custard: After a considerable investigation, we found the reason for the phenomenon of the forward-walking crab. There had recently been dumped in these waters, a quantity of contraband rum. And the forward-walking crab was walking forwards instead of sideways because he was blind stinking drunk.
- dying wife: If I die and you marry again, promise me one thing.
- George: What's that, Love?
- dying wife: Promise me you won't let her wear my clothes.
- George: Of course not, Darling. They wouldn't fit Sondra anyway.