Buddy Ebsen credited as playing...
Jed Clampett
- Elly May Clampett: [Elly May shows Jed Duke's new poodle friend] I named her cotton patch, 'cause her hair grows in clumps.
- Jed Clampett: I reckon it was clipped that way, Elly May, but the fella that done it musta had the clippers in one hand and a jug in the other. He missed the biggest part of her.
- Elly May Clampett: Old Duke sure has took a fancy to her. He dug up four of his best bones and give them to her.
- Jed Clampett: She done a lot for Duke too. Before she come along, Duke was feelin' lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut, but lookit him now.
- Jed Clampett: I declare, this is the nosiest family a man was ever burdened with.
- Daisy Moses: Well lookit them shoes, all fresh oiled.
- Elly May Clampett: Fancy new laces, too!
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: And them's his best socks.
- Jethro Bodine: And it ain't even Sunday.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: Son, every day's Sunday when you're in love.
- Jed Clampett: Now that takes the rag offen the bush. I ain't in love and I just oiled my shoes 'cause they was squeakin'.
- Daisy Moses: They been squeakin' for 15 years as I remember. You ain't never oiled 'em.
- Daisy Moses: [to Jed] It ain't what you got, it's what you ain't got, that's ailing you.
- Jed Clampett: Well, what is it we ain't got?
- Daisy Moses: I could tell you in three words: fe-male company.
- Jed Clampett: It seems to me that critters ought to have the same right as people to pick their own company. So we're goin' over there and Cotton Patch, you can make up your mind who you want to court, just like I made up mine.
- Jed Clampett: No offense, ma'am, but you're kinda hard to understand. Whereabouts are you from?
- Mlle. Denise: Je ne vous comprend pas.
- [I do not understand you]
- Jed Clampett: Oh well, I bet you it's a nice place.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: [Granny and Pearl, making sure that Jed can overhear them] Hey Granny?
- Daisy Moses: Yeah, Pearl.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: If you had a beau drivin' up in a fancy car and a huggin' and a kissin' you, uh, wouldn't you want your kinfolk to meet that beau?
- Daisy Moses: I sure would, Pearl, especially if I was givin' that beau expensive presents.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: You mean like a diamond choker?
- Daisy Moses: That's what I mean.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: You know, I hear tell that French women is real fond of jewelry.
- Jed Clampett: If you two are tryin' to make somethin' outa what just happened outside, you can leave off before you git started. All I was doin' was returnin' that lady's dog and that diamond choker was the dog's collar.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: Say Granny?
- Daisy Moses: Yeah Pearl.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: What do you reckon that red stuff was smeared on Jed's cheeks.
- Daisy Moses: I reckon he cut hisself returnin' that dawg.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: Either that or his lady friend scratched herself on his whiskers when she kissed him.
- Jethro Bodine: What are you holdin' under the table, Uncle Jed?
- Jed Clampett: None of your business, now get out.
- Jethro Bodine: Why, you're polishin' your shoes! Hey Ma, Granny, Elly May, Uncle Jed's polishin' his shoes and it ain't even Sunday!