Bea Benaderet credited as playing...
Cousin Pearl Bodine
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: I'll have vittles a-cookin' before you can say Jack Robinson.
- Daisy Moses: Jack Robinson. And you stay outta my kitchen.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: I believe that kitchen happens to belong to my cousin Jed.
- Daisy Moses: Well, I's a granny, and grannies is closer than cousins.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: Not when the granny's on the wife's side. I've got Clampett blood in my veins.
- Daisy Moses: Well, you wanna keep it there, you stay outta my kitchen.
- Jethrine Bodine: [Granny and Cousin Pearl disagree over who will cook in the kitchen] Hey, Uncle Jed! Come on back! They's gonna be a fight!
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age.
- Daisy Moses: There ain't nobody twice your age!
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: I happen to be on the sunny side of 45.
- [slaps table]
- Daisy Moses: Well, then move into the shade. You're dryin' up somethin' awful.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jethro, why don't you try usin' your head for thinkin'?
- Jethro Bodine: I HAVE tried, Ma, and it hurts.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: [Pearl does the ironing in the kitchen while Jethrine walks towards the door holding Granny's rocking chair] Where you goin' with that, Jethrine?
- Jethrine Bodine: Outside.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: I told you to take it up to Granny's bedroom.
- Jethrine Bodine: Granny told me to take it outside.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: You're takin' your orders from me and not from Granny. That poor woman is old and tired and we owe it to her to let her rest. Just hope and pray, when I get to be her age, that somebody will be looking after me.
- Granny: [Granny enters the kitchen behind Pearl and grasps Pearl's shoulder] You can quit hopin' and praying! And if you keep messing around my kitchen, you ain't gonna GIT to be my age!
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: How do you feel, Granny? Did you sleep off the soup? I mean, did the soup, deep.. eh... did you... did the soup help you to sleep?
- Daisy Moses: [as Jethrine sings] Don't tell me that child ain't sick. Nobody makes a noise like that on purpose.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: You're a-gonna be sorry you said them things when Jethrine commences singin' with a big orchestry like Rudy Vallee.
- Daisy Moses: Who?
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: Rudy Vallee and his Connecticut Yankees.
- Daisy Moses: Did you hear that, Jed? Your traitor cousin Pearl is lettin' her daughter desert to the Yankees!
- [hearing Jethrine continue to practice her scales]
- Daisy Moses: Well, I reckon they're gettin' what they deserve.
- Jed Clampett: Aw, Pearl, she's always braggin' on ya--how pretty ya are or what a nice figure you got.
- Daisy Moses: I bragged on Pearl's figure?
- Jed Clampett: You sure did. You said "Pearl got the kind of figure a man likes."
- Daisy Moses: Yep, and then I said, "Too bad a man didn't git it instead of Pearl."
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: I wouldn't talk if I had a figure as bony as you!
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: [spying a few frozen hamhocks by the swimming pool] Was you gonna eat them raw?
- Jethro Bodine: 'Course not.
- Cousin Pearl Bodine: Oh.
- Jethro Bodine: I's gonna keep my swimming trunks on.