Irene Ryan: Daisy Moses

Jed's Dilemma

Daisy Moses

Cousin Pearl Bodine: I'll have vittles a-cookin' before you can say Jack Robinson.
Daisy Moses: Jack Robinson. And you stay outta my kitchen.
Cousin Pearl Bodine: I believe that kitchen happens to belong to my cousin Jed.
Daisy Moses: Well, I's a granny, and grannies is closer than cousins.
Cousin Pearl Bodine: Not when the granny's on the wife's side. I've got Clampett blood in my veins.
Daisy Moses: Well, you wanna keep it there, you stay outta my kitchen.

Jethrine Bodine: [Granny and Cousin Pearl disagree over who will cook in the kitchen] Hey, Uncle Jed! Come on back! They's gonna be a fight!
Cousin Pearl Bodine: Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age.
Daisy Moses: There ain't nobody twice your age!
Cousin Pearl Bodine: I happen to be on the sunny side of 45.
[slaps table]
Daisy Moses: Well, then move into the shade. You're dryin' up somethin' awful.

Jethrine Bodine: Ma gets a kick outa runnin' things.
Daisy Moses: She's gonna get a kick that she ain't lookin' fer. I'm gonna boot her so hard that every time she sets down, she'll leave my footprints.

Jed Clampett: By doggies, I'll bet you Pearl in them swimmin' clothes has got the figure of a young girl.
Daisy Moses: She's better give it back before she stretches it outta shape any more.
Jed Clampett: Granny...
Daisy Moses: I didn't say it in anger. I'm smilin'.

Cousin Pearl Bodine: [Pearl does the ironing in the kitchen while Jethrine walks towards the door holding Granny's rocking chair] Where you goin' with that, Jethrine?
Jethrine Bodine: Outside.
Cousin Pearl Bodine: I told you to take it up to Granny's bedroom.
Jethrine Bodine: Granny told me to take it outside.
Cousin Pearl Bodine: You're takin' your orders from me and not from Granny. That poor woman is old and tired and we owe it to her to let her rest. Just hope and pray, when I get to be her age, that somebody will be looking after me.
Granny: [Granny enters the kitchen behind Pearl and grasps Pearl's shoulder] You can quit hopin' and praying! And if you keep messing around my kitchen, you ain't gonna GIT to be my age!

Jed Clampett: Mornin', Granny. How's your rheumatiz?
Daisy Moses: What rheumatiz?
Jed Clampett: Pearl said you was havin' some twinges last night. That's how come she put a little mountain dew into your squirrel soup.
Daisy Moses: Pearl spiked my soup?
Jed Clampett: Yeah, she figgered it would, uh, he'p you to sleep. And you was likin' it too, Granny. You kept askin' for another slug of soup.

Jed Clampett: Now, don't get riled up at Pearl. I reckon she's just tryin' to be helpful.
Daisy Moses: She's about as helpful as a alligator in a swimmin' hole.

Daisy Moses: [as Jethrine sings] Don't tell me that child ain't sick. Nobody makes a noise like that on purpose.
Cousin Pearl Bodine: You're a-gonna be sorry you said them things when Jethrine commences singin' with a big orchestry like Rudy Vallee.
Daisy Moses: Who?
Cousin Pearl Bodine: Rudy Vallee and his Connecticut Yankees.
Daisy Moses: Did you hear that, Jed? Your traitor cousin Pearl is lettin' her daughter desert to the Yankees!
[hearing Jethrine continue to practice her scales]
Daisy Moses: Well, I reckon they're gettin' what they deserve.

Daisy Moses: [catching Jethrine toting her rocking chair] Jethrine, you take that back outside. And while you're at it, you fetch some flowers for your Ma's sickroom.
Jethrine Bodine: Ma ain't sick.
Daisy Moses: Eh, she ain't met up with me yet.

Jed Clampett: Aw, Pearl, she's always braggin' on ya--how pretty ya are or what a nice figure you got.
Daisy Moses: I bragged on Pearl's figure?
Jed Clampett: You sure did. You said "Pearl got the kind of figure a man likes."
Daisy Moses: Yep, and then I said, "Too bad a man didn't git it instead of Pearl."
Cousin Pearl Bodine: I wouldn't talk if I had a figure as bony as you!