James Marsters: Spike

School Hard

Spike

Big Ugly: When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the Crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
Spike: You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.
Big Ugly: I oughta rip your throat out.
Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

Spike: A slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

Spike: So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough?
[Cut to Buffy's room. She's standing at her mirror, trying to brush her hair]
Buffy Summers: Ow!
Joyce Summers: What's wrong?
Buffy Summers: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey.
Joyce Summers: Life is hard, dear.
Buffy Summers: Don't I know it.
[studies her image critically]
Buffy Summers: Is that a split end?
Joyce Summers: I got the mail.
Buffy Summers: Good.
Joyce Summers: Which included a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher night. Thursday.
Buffy Summers: [in trepidation] That's good.
Joyce Summers: Which you were planning on telling me about...?
Buffy Summers: Oh, for... the last two weeks.
Joyce Summers: Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about you?
Buffy Summers: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge.
Joyce Summers: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores?
Buffy Summers: What can you really tell about a person from a test score?
Joyce Summers: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.
[Buffy blanches]
Joyce Summers: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting your new principal.
Buffy Summers: Won't that be something?

[after watching Buffy slay a vampire, Spike comes out of the shadows, slowly clapping his hands]
Spike: Nice work, love.
Buffy Summers: Who are you?
Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
Buffy Summers: What happens on Saturday?
Spike: I kill you.

[last lines]
Spike: How's the Annoying One?
Drusilla: He doesn't wanna play.
Spike: It figures. Well, I suppose I'd better go make nice.
[He walks over to the Anointed One and kneels before him]
The Anointed One: You failed.
Spike: I, um... I offer penance.
Vampire: Penance? You should lay down your life! Our numbers are depleted. The Feast of St. Vigeous has been ruined by your impatience!
Spike: I was rash... And if I had to do it all over again...
[laughs]
Spike: Who am I kidding? I would do it exactly the same, only I'd do this...
[grabs the Anointed One]
The Anointed One: No!
Spike: ...first!
[Spike sticks The Anointed One in the nearby cage and starts pulling a chain, lifting the cage up from the floor]
Spike: From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual... and a little more fun around here.
[the cage is lifted into the sunlight. The Anointed One screams as he dies]
Spike: Let's see what's on TV.

Spike: You think you can fool me?... You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us! Not demons. Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom.

Spike: Me and Dru, we're movin' in... Now... Any of you wanna test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here... step on up.
[to The Anointed One]
Spike: I'll do your Slayer for you. But you keep your flunkies from tryin' anything behind my back. Deal?
[the Anointed One nods]
Drusilla: I can't see her. The Slayer. I can't see. It's dark where she is. Kill her. Kill her, Spike. Kill her for me?
Spike: It's done, baby.
Drusilla: Kill her for Princess?
Spike: I'll chop her into messes.

Spike: I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
Buffy Summers: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.